We're All Going to Die!

Feed your kids. Doesn't it sound so simple? Every day I feel blessed that I wake up in a country where food is plentiful and the biggest problem I have is that Safeway doesn't have a drive through! But I'm three years into being responsible for what goes into another human's mouth and I have to tell you....it just keeps getting more confusing. If you're a mom, you know it's more than just trying to make the right decisions for your child's diet. It's also about saving face in front of a million other moms who are each armed with hours upon hours of Google research as to why giving your kid a peanut butter & jelly sandwich is the equivalent to throwing them a Joe Camel themed birthday party complete with cigarette laden goody bags. I seriously can't take it anymore. If I listened to every person around me, this would be a list of what I should NOT be feeding Emery if I have any intention of seeing him make to his 8th grade graduation:

- Milk & all dairy
- Wheat
- Peanuts (and most other nuts too)
- Soy
- Sugar
- Juice
- ANYTHING NON-ORGANIC

And it goes on and on and on and on! If your favorite food isn't on list, one of it's ingredients probably is. And if by some miracle some food meets all of the requirements to stay off the forbidden list, then you are probably doing a huge disservice by actually cooking it (thus eliminating the nutrients) and spoiling all of your well intended efforts to be more aware in the first place.

I say ENOUGH ALREADY! I mean, really...aren't we just playing food roulette? Today's superfood could be tomorrow's carcinogen! And if it isn't, it is still probably packaged in some plastic that will by then be used as a biological warfare weapon. So I am taking a stand! Not against trying my hardest to make good decisions, but against listening to anyone who has a self-given PhD from Wikipedia. Or at least from anyone is concerned about food additives, but is somehow not concerned about the fact that the trendy aluminum thermos they tote their latte around in is also a carcinogen. Add to that list those who dote on the importance of organic greens only to show up at a play date with their kid holding a Happy Meal toy! I'm not going to lie, I do buy a lot of things organic because it's readily available now. But I sure as heck don't try and stop grandma from sneaking Emery fruit snacks which happen to be made with "100% Real Fruit Juice" (which as stated before is on the "don't eat list").

I realize that I am using my blog as a place to vent so if this annoys you then please just skip the rest and come back to my blog when it's more reader friendly. Here we go.....

I do my best to feed Emery what I think is healthy. This may or may not be different than what you feed your kid. My kid may or may not have the same "symptoms" to some crazy illness that your kid has that may or may not be related to whatever your kid eats. I'm aware of pesticides on produce, hormones in milk, and antibiotics in meats that may cause my kid to get cancer at age 40 based on some evidence by some doctor who apparently has the same amount of time to blog as I do with no job. Do you know what else I know? If I don't feed Emery something he is going to die at 4! So lay off world! I'll pretend I didn't know you had a Coscto hot dog for lunch yesterday and you let my kid have a juice box in peace, fair? Also, save your accolades about how your kid loves brussel sprouts for your husband who might actually care. I can assure you that anyone else who is acting interested is either a grandparent or only waiting for their turn to talk about their own kid. So let's just all thank the good Lord we have the means to feed our kids at all and talk about the weather...

I bet a few of you are wondering if I am specifically talking about you? The answer is no. This isn't about anyone in particular and I am sure I'm also an offender as I literally cannot make my hand pick up non-organic milk no matter how desperately my checkbook wants it to. And if I've ever offended anyone talking about that then I'm truly sorry! I'm committing to work on this...

I know some of you probably also think that you have some sage piece of wisdom that supersedes the ignorance of my post. I should probably warn you that I don't really want this to be an open forum and because it's my blog I can say that :)

I love one sided fights! I WIN!!

This picture helped calm me down because I got a little heated writing that :)

10 Things I am Grateful For....

First thing first, sometimes I write this blog wondering if anyone is reading? I don't truly care if people do or not...but I wonder anyway. Then by some miracle I will write something that opens the floodgates and I will get email after email of people commenting on a specific story or asking a question about something I didn't clarify well. I had always hoped those emails would be something like, "Jenny....you have the most ridiculously beautiful kids alive! I think Emery's on the fast track to Harvard!" or "Luke is so lucky to have a wife like you, how do you do it ALL?" But instead they are more like this:

"Sorry I haven't talked to you in 10 months. Tell me again how to save 30% on diapers?"

Love you all too! The only person I didn't get this email from was my cousin Jennifer (yes...our parents named us the same thing...the 80s rocked!) and that is because she avidly uses cloth diapers. This probably means her kids won't be sterile from prolonged exposure and mine will be. But I'm okay with that because it means Emery and Luelle won't end up on MTV's "Teen Mom" in case my intense prayers for purity don't work. I'll just ask Jennifer to skip the next paragraph while I explain the deal to the rest of you who inquired about it.

Okay, to get the deal you have to join Amazon Mom. From there you can shop for Huggies or Pampers to your heart's content. When you find the right size/brand, add it to your cart using the "Subscribe and Save" option. I always set my delivery for the lowest amount far in the future (like 1 unit every 3 months). They will deliver for free in 2-3 days! After that you can use your account to either speed up, slow down, or cancel shipments. It's really more of a hassle to physically change a diaper than it is to update your account. On the off chance you forget about your subscription, Amazon will send you a reminder email asking if you are aware that you are about to receive a shipment. If you don't want it....simply press cancel! Presto...$$$ saved! If you also receive "Parent's Magazine" you should be aware that each December issue will have a unique one time use code for an additional 20% off. This can be stacked with the 30% giving you 50% off a case of diapers! Now go get a pedicure on me :)

Other than that....it's been a hectic week! My "at home" freelance job is either feast or famine and this week I have been beyond busy designing last minute Black Friday ads. Some great deals out there! If you couldn't already guess, I LOVE BLACK FRIDAY! I felt more of an adrenaline rush the very first time I stood in line getting Emery a $200 Power Wheel for $99 than I ever did drinking Boone's Farm wine at 18. Kidding mom! I didn't drink at 18....I was 17. In any case, mom, your worrying days are over because of the last 100 glasses of wine I've poured or bottles of beer I've opened, I've taken a grand total of maybe 25 sips. And even then I have to take 2 Advil for the headache. FYI, I just wrote that joke for effect...I was a pretty good kid in high school! College? Well let's just say Luelle won't be going to college...kidding again! This is too easy! (But really she isn't going) Wow....tangent! Sorry folks....

I was going to write about Black Friday but that would skip the VERY IMPORTANT holiday of Thanksgiving and I will not dishonor my favorite Thursday of the year in favor of honoring consumerism. So I present.....

10 Things I Am Grateful For:

1. We'll start with the obvious - My kids & husband. I never thought life would be this good! Crazy? Yes! Stressful? At times! Hilarious? Always! It's perfectly imperfect, I am so blessed!

2. My parents. My mom is road map to what I know I am becoming (I just need to get a big picture of Jesus before the kids figure out the benefits of lying) and my dad can still fix anything. In all fairness Luke can fix most everything too, but my dad will throw in a steak dinner and some spare parts! It's a better deal than Amazon!

3. The show "The Lottery Destroyed my Life." Now I don't feel like I'm missing much when my numbers don't come up.

4. My elliptical. I use it every day! (to dry clothes....)

5. Computers. I don't want to put too much an emphasis on material things, but without them I might never be able to see my nephew's pictures from Florida and you might not ever be able to tell 250 people on Facebook that it snowed last night in case the view from every window in their house is blocked.

6. Papa Murphey's coupons. $12.99 for a pizza I have to bake myself? No way! $6.99? That's more like it! Did you know you can ask them to make your pizza with thick crust for no extra charge? (Source credit: my sister Tammi). Let's face it....the "low carb" trend took the fun out of eating!

7. Elementary school friends. "Amber" corrected me the other day when I told her I couldn't believe we had been friends for 20 years! She politely said, "25 Jenny." Wow! From bottles to Botox....I still have about 10 amazing friends who I have had the pleasure of sharing recess with during my earlier life. (And no...we haven't had Botox. I'm just anticipating for the future!)

8. Net-flix. I don't care about the $1 increase, I was able to catch up on 2 whole seasons of Grey's Anatomy in less than a week to be ready for Season 7! Up until then I was still telling people that George was my favorite character and I didn't understand why I was getting weird looks....

9. Simple surprises. My doorbell just rang and I was totally annoyed that it might wake my napping kids up. I started to get angry when I heard children on the other side and didn't even have the courtesy to open the door. Well I just went to see if they left me a flier and they didn't. They left me cookies and a "Happy Thanksgiving" note. Ouch! Schooled by 7 year olds.....

10. The opportunity to write about things I am grateful for! Isn't America great? Let's always remember the people who keep it that way and the sacrifices they make so that we can speak freely about our opinions no matter what they may be!

Happy Thanksgiving from my little family to yours!

Jesus Likes Trains, Right?

Operation "Remind Emery What Christmas is Really About" is now in full effect! The good news is that in the last 24 hours we have made significant progress and his attention has been diverted away from the $90 Robotic Bigfoot. Prayer works people! The bad news is that it has been replaced with the "Fisher Price Disney-Pixar Toy Story 3 Geotrax Exploding Bridge Remote Control Train Set." The best thing is that he actually asked for it using that EXACT description! And people question whether or not advertising works? After that little quip, the remainder of our conversation went a little something like this:

Me: "Emery.....we talked about this. Can you tell me what Christmas is about?"
Emery: "Trains"
Me: "Try again. What is it about?"
Emery: "Jesus"
Me: "That's right!! And why is Christmas an important day for Jesus?"
Emery: "Because he likes trains?"

Sigh....

On the brighter side, I did get a phone call this morning from Frontier headquarters confirming that all charges have been removed! I'm feeling like since I made such a big deal about a company that was awful, I should make an equally big deal about a company that is awesome! And that company is.....Amazon.com!

I just won the mom-lottery and Amazon wrote my over-sized check which actually looked a lot more like a 3 month supply of Pampers diapers. No joke! Sure, most of you probably aren't interested in my winnings, but for those of you who are straddled with $40 a month diaper bill like I am, I couldn't be happier than my crazy uncle who is celebrating McRib's return! Amazon double shipped my diaper order so I now have 408 diapers sitting in my living room for the bargain price of $28! And before you go judging me, yes...I did call them to own up to the mistake which was actually the result of UPS losing the initial shipment. Amazon told me to keep them as a gift! Thank you very much Amazon...I will!

I know some people are pro small business and truthfully, I usually am too since I am a freelance designer and I'm strapped with paying the government twice the employment taxes that anyone working for the man has to. But Amazon delivers them....to my door.....during nap time.....for cheap. It's awesome. If you buy disposable diapers and you don't use their 30% off subscribe-and-save service....then you're giving money away my friend and I want to know where the line is! I'm one of those annoying types that works every angle to keep as much money in my pocket as possible when it comes to everyday purchases. I'm not cheap like someone who itemizes a dinner bill because my appetizer was $1 less than yours, but I'll spend a good 20 minutes googling a "promo code" for an online purchase if I don't have one on-hand. It's not about the money saved....it's a game, and I want to win! I even go so far as to filter my purchases through credit cards to rack up rewards up on a corporate dime, take that Citibank! And for those of you worried that I am racking up interest in the meantime, I learned the credit card lesson in college when I spent my Senior year paying off my Junior year's wardrobe. I fully understand it's real money and the day they see $1 in interest from me is the day I'm choosing between food or starvation for my kids in which case I would say, "Charge it...and I'll take this flat-screen too!"

In honor of my frugality, I thought I would share some of my favorite money saving sites with you:

1. Amazon Subscribe and Save for Diapers: This makes buying diapers at Costco seem like you are buying them at 7-11 and willing to pay anything as long as you can pick up a Slurpee (or $1.50 hot dog) at the same time. 30% off of all diapers with free delivery! Can't beat that!

2. Slickdeals.net: The people who update this are professional bargain hunters! Did you know you could get 2 free tacos at Jack in the Box after 2 PM yesterday? Neither did I until right now. I'm not a fan.....but if you and I both had a taco emergency, I would be $2 richer.

4. Retailmenot.com: Remember how I said earlier that I will Google a promotion code? Well that was back in my amateur days! Now I use retailmenot.com! It's the largest collection of current promotion codes you can find online and the sole reason why Redbox has never received even $1 of my hard earned money although I have enjoyed numerous rentals of theirs! That's what they get for putting Hollywood Video out of business....I miss those neon purple mountains! Here's a tip: use the code "breakroom" and your next rental is free!

5. The Thanksgiving Letter: This actually has nothing to do at all with being frugal, but it's the funniest thing I've read all week and it will help you to procrastinate another 10 minutes or so....

Have a great afternoon!

Jesus would love this!

The True Spirit of Christmas

6 years of marriage down....4 more to go and I can beg for a diamond upgrade without looking greedy! Totally joking :) My husband actually did a great job the first time around. (Luke...if you're reading this, I wouldn't turn it down although I don't technically need it. But you don't technically need a sports car someday either.) I realize there is no way to write that joke without some people taking it seriously, so if you don't know me well enough to know that I am kidding, rest assured that I am fully aware that a ring does not make a marriage. Save your lectures....I buy clothes at Target! I'm hardly pretentious unless you happen to think that Hondas are a sweet ride. In that case....yeah, I live the good life! Rolling with my "real time 4 wheel drive" which is actually useless because I am scared to death of driving in the snow and I'm not 4 wheeling around the subdivision culdesacs either. I think that's against HOA regulations and I promised that judge I wouldn't be breaking any more rules.

We didn't end up going to The Outback for dinner as originally planned. Luke thoughtfully made a huge lunch earlier in the day and by the time my mom was halfway over to babysit I looked at him and said, "I'm not hungry." He wasn't either. Movie? As I've stated in previous blogs....Luke and I don't agree on movies and I thought it might be nice to have an evening where we actually enjoy each other's company in an effort to remember why we started this crazy ride in the first place. We had to go somewhere though or how else was my mom going to sneak Emery all of those fruit snacks she keeps in her purse that she thinks I don't know about? We settled on happy hour at Portland City Grill mostly because that place in no way reminds me of children and this was an adults-only evening. I've never changed a diaper there and they don't have a kid's menu....perfect! We even scored a booth right away! We sat down preparing for an evening of conversation catching up on everything we don't get to say to each other when Emery is showing us his train collection for the 873th time demanding "missile lock" parental attention like he is going to tell us something we don't already know about Thomas the Blue Engine. But as fate would have it, we didn't end up doing much talking because we both set eyes on a rare form of social interaction across the bar...a first date.

I don't know how these two kids met, but I'm guessing it was something like an accounting convention (no offense Luke) or maybe Toastmasters. No, it couldn't have been Toastmasters. She wouldn't even make eye contact until after two White Russians when she finally bit the big bullet and actually looked at her date! I bet he was beginning to think that hour he spent contemplating whether or not to pop his collar was never going to pay off. Oh...an accidental arm graze! Finally....this was getting good! Not as good as traffic court, but WAY better than a movie! We were just about to order another round of drinks in anticipation of watching the rest of the night play out when a single man (no doubtingly looking for lady love before appetizers went back to full price) sat right in the middle of our view. Cancel the drinks....this dates over! We're not spending $20 on overpriced cocktails to stare at the back of a sportscoat all night. Hmmm...where next?

Now I'm not sure how we decided to go to the next place, but it was a HUGE mistake! Since this is the first year I can't do the Christmas shopping in front of Emery, I thought we could make a quick trip to Toys R' Us and get on the same page as to what we were thinking Santa might bring this year. I REALLY miss the good ole days of "distract and confuse" where I could slip all of Emery's presents into the bottom of the cart in the same shopping trip as a weekly milk run. The Toys R' Us trip wasn't too bad in itself until I made one fatal error. I took home the "Big Book of Toys" catalog...

Needless to say we now have a 3 year old who has dang near circled everything in that catalog that he doesn't deem a "girl toy." At the very top of his list is a $90 remote controlled Bigfoot robot that annoys me even behind the plastic walls of a Target demo setup! I'm no fool. That thing would end up right next to our robotic "Tickle me Elmo" that only sees the light of day when Emery opens his toy box looking for his conductor hat. The chance of Santa bringing it into our home as a permanent fixture is slim to none....poor kid! So now I have a month to convince him that he actually wants another fire truck or some more trains. I started this dubious task by helping him write his very first Christmas list! Don't worry....it was after a long lecture about how Christmas isn't about receiving, it's to celebrate Jesus's birth etc etc etc. I thought we had a nice list of less expensive (but more imaginative) toys all written out when I had him sign the bottom. Just before bedtime though, Luke asked him if he wanted to put the letter at the foot of his bed for the elves to pick up and deliver to Santa? "No daddy....I have lots more to add later. Good night"

Time to revisit that lecture.....this is only year 3???

For real??

"Amber"...You're Fired!

"Amber"....you're fired! You had one job yesterday and it was to proofread my blog. I figured since she was covering at her mom's office where all they needed was a warm body and not much else, she would have all the time in the world to help a gal out. But instead of a list containing every word I misspelled and every comma I forgot, I received this genius email back from her:

I LOVE "THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA!" You should have added people's overuse of exlamation points! I'm a serious offender!!

I guess I should have known that I put too much faith in "Amber" after seeing how she spelled "exclamation" ;) My bad....sorry everyone. Thanks for turning the other cheek and just leaving nice comments unlike my husband whose first words to me were, "Avatar is awesome! And you misspelled a ton..." Thanks, babe. The funny thing is is that in our pre-marital counseling I was asked for a few words that I thought best described Luke and one of my responses was "sensitive."* But this week marks 6 years of marriage for us and I would probably change that word to something more like "handy." No harm, no foul though. I bet that he would change a few words describing me and some of the new ones might not be blog appropriate. But we're still best friends and I wouldn't trade him for the world!

My mom is actually going to watch the kids for us this weekend so we can have a nice anniversary dinner. Where at you ask? Portland City Grill? The Chart House? Morton's? Nope....here's a hint: G'day mate! Yep! The Outback!! Romantic, huh? "Baby...I love you. Pass the Bloomin' Onion." It's a long story but my husband loves the Outback Steakhouse. In his mind it's man-appropriate for every occasion. Tuesday night? Outback. St. Patrick's Day? Outback. Birthday? Outback. Christmas? Outback. So naturally an anniversary would also qualify as a special enough occasion to dine at such an exquisite establishment. In fairness though, Luke told me he would take me anywhere I wanted to go. But since my lack of babysitting planning already handicapped the evening (my mom is a last minute stand in), I thought I would let him have dinner at a place where he could comfortably wear his faded "PSU Vikings" sweatshirt without a lecture from me. It's true that all that really matters is the company anyways and as much as I joke, I know I'll have the best date there! I can't wait to say, "Happy Anniversary Luke! Oh look! Our table pager is flashing!"

On a different note, I'm going to take a few days off because it's starting to feel narcissistic to think people even want to read about my life 3 days in a row (or at all for that matter). If you're wondering how I have time to do this in the first place...so am I. But rest assured it's more for me than you. Laughing at my life has been a nice escape and as stupid as it is, this blog has forced me to look at everything through a new lens that isn't quite so tragic. I used to think, "I have the only 3 year old in the world that isn't potty trained. Poor me." But nobody wants to read Debbie Downer's blog so I change it to, "Hey fools....I am going to have so much more money than you when my kid gets rejected from preschool because he isn't potty trained! Hahahahaha!" It's win-win. More fun for you to read and a better attitude for me! So thanks for humoring me :)

Have a great week!

Jenny

* "Sensitive" meaning Luke knows how to handle me when I'm upset and is careful with his words and actions. It's an incredibly admirable trait! Not "sensitive" meaning he squeezes my hand while watching, "Eat, Pray, Love" which I did actually force him to see in the theater (he did, after all, drag me Avatar 9 months pregnant!) When I asked him if he liked the movie he asked me if I was aware that there were 297 ceiling tiles in that theater. Point made Luke.

Here are some pictures of that special day when Luke and I took vows that we didn't totally comprehend:

Happy Anniversary Luke....I couldn't imagine a better life than this!

10 things that annoy me

In lieu of a good story where I admit to things that most people would be smart enough to keep to themselves, I am just going to tell you about 10 things that drive me nuts. If any of these somehow describe you or your actions in the past, I apologize. It's not personal at all, I definitely don't go to bed thinking about it, and chances are that some of my actions would no doubtingly end up on your list as well.

So without further ado.....here is my list:

1.) Volkswagen Bug personalized license plates: If you really know me, then you know this one already. Why, oh why, is there a direct correlation between people who drive VW Bugs and people who feel the need to personalize their license plates?! The Bug owners take this obnoxious trend a step farther since the good majority of them also look for a way to fit "bug" somewhere in there. These are some examples I have seen: "Buggin," "LtlBug," "Buggrr," "Mybug," "MsBug" etc etc etc. I bet this will drive you nuts now too. You're welcome.

2.) "Dear so and so" status updates: I know most people have no problem with them. There is no good reason why these bother me. Maybe it's just that I'm getting older and I think to myself, "Hey...if that guy on the bus next to you smells bad enough that it would prompt you to write an entire update for 300 friends to read, then why not just move?" I would respect someone more if they said, "Dear friends, I am on the bus bored out of my mind trying to think of a witty status update and nothing is coming to mind. Love, me" I can relate to that one....

3.) Hair extension carts at the mall: Lady, I have 2 kids and I had to trick "Amber" into watching them for me while I shop. The last thing I have time for is trying on a 4 foot long ponytail held in place by a crystal butterfly.

4.)"Photomax" mall carts: This isn't normally on my list but the hair extension cart reminded me of this new franchise popping up across America in time for the holidays. They show you pictures of little kids dressed up with old fashioned glasses posed like they are reading a newspaper. The last time someone asked me if I was interested in winning a portrait package I had to hold back on asking, "Can't I just get these done at the fair cheaper?"

5.) The first person you talk to at any drive through restaurant: Do you know what I am talking about? When you pull up and a nice lady says something like, "Would you like to try one of our new iced coffee blends?" I think to myself, "Well didn't she sound lovely!" Only after I give my order am I thrown completely off guard by having it repeated back by a still squeaking 16 year male voice. There was just a huge recession people! If your employees can't read a one line script, I bet you can find 10 more who can, and for $1/hr less.

6.) Retailers who ask obvious questions: I hate when I take purchases to the counter and the cashier says, "Will you be purchasing these today?" Ummm.....no. Next week maybe. Actually...I just wanted to show them to you.

7.) Parents who brag about their kids non-stop: Now I'm not opposed to an occasional update on how Johnny is doing, or even a quick quip about he reads at age 3. But some parents are just aching for a one-up battle that all but leaves me contemplating a private happy hour before my next play-date with them. Awhile back though, my friend Jordan gave me a book called, "Great at Any Age" outlining amazing accomplishments and the ages at which they were achieved. Well according to that book Albert Einstein didn't even talk until age 3, so I bet those parent's kids peaked too early and the only thing they have left to look forward to is Johnny's 10 year reunion.

8.) January-June: Who made our Holiday calendar? All of the good celebrations are back-loaded leaving the front half of the year empty, rainy, and boring. If your defense to this is "Valentine's Day," then you're probably one of those people who isn't scarred by every other girl getting pink carnations delivered to homeroom in the 9th grade while your desk remained empty. I'm not bitter....

9.) Red light cameras: In theory, a great idea! In reality these make me more stressed than opening my latest Frontier bill. I don't think I've ever once run a red light. But since they put these up in an intersection close to my house a few weeks ago, I've come close at least 5 times! Yellow no longer means "proceed safely at a normal speed to clear the intersection." Instead it means "gun it or risk that double stroller in the back becoming a projectile missile with only your two kids car seats to break it's forward motion."

10.) Harry Potter, Avatar, & The Lord of the Rings: Yea, I get that I could lose a few friends over this since I tend to work with a lot of IT professionals. But I just can't get behind these movies no matter how hard I try. I'll give the writers a nod for being unbelievably creative. But I'll still take a good Nicholas Sparks movie fully knowing someone is going to die at the end before I borrow against my 401K to see these movies in 3-D. Somehow I'm sure James Cameron and J.K Rowling couldn't care less what I think and I doubt that their financial worlds are crumbling as a result of me being a fantasy movie hold-out. I don't try and convince you that "The Devil Wear Prada" is a cinematic masterpiece, so don't try and convince me that blue people with tails are worth 3 hours of my day when the last time I had that long to myself was early 2007.

_____________

PS - Things I love: Taylor Swift's new CD! I'm listening to it right now :) I don't care is she is 19, mainstream, and not the most amazing singer. The girl can write!!

I said I don't want a Hawaiian flower!

What a fun weekend it was! Right up until it was dark at 5:30pm that is. Regardless, the last couple of days were about about catching up with a favorite old friend and hanging out with an even older one. Since the latter was actually "Amber" I want to clarify right up front that the "older" part is not about age, it's about friendship length by number of years. "Amber" will be all up on me in seconds if I don't make that crystal clear. Somebody is a little sensitive about her 30's...

In any case, My good friend Erica was in town and it was a level-1 priority to see her this weekend! I'm using her real name because I'm guessing 99% of you know her anyway. Seriously, Erica is friends with the majority of the free world. If you don't know her, there is a good chance she is on your cousin's Christmas card list. Trust me on this. She's that person in front of you in the grocery store line holding everyone up twenty minutes while she asks checker (by name) if his dad is feeling better from that cold he had last weekend. I'm the person behind her purposely sighing loudly as I say, "I know Emery....I wanted to get home quickly too" to a 3 year who is unaware we are even having a conversation and still angry he didn't get a prize for sitting in the cart. Erica just up and moved to California about a month ago so we've been missing her a lot! Lucky for us, she had time to host a little get together on her weekend trip back...

It started with a ladies pedicure outing with Erica and Pamela Susan (of cake-pop fame) herself! I bet Pamela was concocting some sort of nail polish Thanksgiving craft idea in her head the whole time we were there...I'm positive of it. Now I love pedicures, but I don't think they relax me the way they relax most people. I was actually having trouble catching up with my old pal because I just couldn't get myself to trust the nail technician on blind faith alone and the paranoia was really distracting. Those ladies are crafty business woman and they can trick you in a second! "No...I don't want a flower. No I don't want a deluxe spa pedicure. No I don't want a manicure. No I don't want want french tips. No I don't want to turn on my massage chair. Wait, I do want to turn on my massage chair. You tricked me!" If I'm not paying attention I'll walk out of there $100 poorer with bedazzled Hawaiian toes.

I avoided all of the pedicure pitfalls this time though, kept my money, and had a slightly better chance to catch up later that evening at her house. But a "small gathering" of Erica's closest friends still requires that chairs be brought in from another room so it's no time to let your guard down. Seriously, her house on a weekend visit home feels like my grandma's house on Christmas: every man for himself! And if you're on the slower side you need to get real comfortable saying, "No, I prefer to sit on the floor...really" like you mean it. Kidding, they have enough seats! Erica that is....not my grandma. My grandparents house has stayed the same size for 50 years but they are plus 9 grandchildren, their spouses, and 17 great-grandchildren since they built it. Oh how I wish "tap tap seat back" still worked! At my grandma's house you have to weigh whether you value getting up to taste her homemade Rocky-Road candy more than a comfortable perch to watch the festivities. There isn't any way to have both so if you get up....it's till the last present is opened and we do it "one at a time" in that house. Nonetheless, I adore my grandma's Christmas tradition, but still I digress...

We had a great evening catching up.... but it went too fast! So Erica, If I forgot to tell you on Saturday, we have really missed you guys!! We can't wait to see you, Brad, and the family in December! The last time I felt a hole in my life like this was when Mother's Cookies went out of business and that aisle of the grocery store was eerily empty. Come back! I mean, Mother's Cookies actually did so I'm holding out hope for you too :)

I thought I would also have time to talk about my mall trip with "Amber" where I disguised exploiting her for childcare by saying we should "get together and catch up." I can make a long story short by saying "Amber" spent a good two hours taking Emery up and down the elevator and escalator while I shopped in peace. Sucker!! (Sidenote: Some of those tall boots would negate the need for someone of my height to wear pants at all! They need a petites boot section!) I would tell you more, but I my hands already hurt from typing and I need to go grocery shopping. On a related note, I want to ask why grocery shopping with kids is so difficult? In concept it's not actually a big deal. In reality, I am thinking that opening a Xanax stand right outside those double automatic doors may lead to an early retirement for me. But that's another post entirely....

And on the 3rd day....

OH....THE TASTE OF SWEET JUSTICE!

If you haven't already guessed, then I will tell you that I won my case against Frontier!! The big guy gave way to the little guy and I am $830 richer this morning! Well...I'm not actually any richer, I just get to keep my money. But I planned on doing that anyway so really today is about a mental victory, if anything. I'll take it!

3 days.....3 loooooong days of my anger escalating while waiting for some mid-level call center supervisor to phone me back. Since I've made a habit of owning up to all the other crazy stuff that goes through my head, I'll tell you in all honesty what I did during those three days:

• Wrote a 3 page letter describing how I am in no way responsible for any equipment charges. I had already mentally addressed this to the Better Business Bureau, the City Manager (so he could see how the great citizens of Sherwood were being treated), the City Attorney, a private attorney, several high level Frontier Executives, and my dad (he gave me this hot-head....he can help me control it!)
  
• Researched the email addresses and contact information for the above mentioned Frontier Executives.
• Filed a BBB complaint. Hey, those things take 10 days to process and I didn't want my 3 days of waiting to put me behind the 8-ball! And the mere fact I know that tells you that I have sadly done it before.
• I broke into the CEO's voice mail. Yea...that one is embarrassing but I was LIVID!!

Someday I am probably going to regret the complete honesty with which I write this blog. But that day isn't today so I will tell you the truth. I Googled "how to contact major CEOs." Reason #875 why I love blogs: crazy people (like myself) write crazy things! I happened upon a small blog not unlike my own by a boy named Mark. I read two sentences of Mark's blog before I knew we were kindred spirits both being bullied by 18 year old call center employees who would probably be dumb enough to accept me as a friend on Facebook just so they could +1. That's right, you better be careful call center workers! In 2 strokes of a keyboard I can find your Facebook profile and see that you are 10 years younger than me and still deciding between Acutane and Proactiv as a course of treatment. Now who controls this conversation fool?

Anyway, Mark found himself in a situation not unlike my own and was having trouble reaching the CEO of a major corporation. His genius solution to this was to call corporate headquarters after-hours (with no receptionist to stop him) and use the company directory by last name to find the CEO's voice mail box. I thought there would be no way that would work! Well, I was already at level 10 crazy so I thought I might as well try. People....it works!! I didn't leave a message...this was more of a trial run, but I added this option to my list of attacks. Now I'm not naive, I bet at $8,000,000 dollars a year someone probably checks her voice mail for her. But as a former high-level gatekeeper I can tell you the crazies are worth a mention to the big boss for entertainment value alone! I just never thought I would be on this side of that equation. So make fun of me all you want, because I bet sometime in the next two years you will try real hard to remember this strategy when your number comes up in the battle against the big man.

Alas, Mr. Frontier called me this morning to let me know that although they could not find the equipment, they found ample proof that I did send it and all charges would be reversed. This is corporate speak for, "We don't want to say we're wrong....you are a nut case...please get off the phone and our feelings wont be hurt if you want to switch to Comcast. Also, here is their number and your termination fee is waived...." It was so anti-climatic!!

In any case, the situation is resolved and I even left a very nice voice mail for Mr. Frontier's manager stating he had handled my 3-hour phone call very well. It's ironic that he was able to transfer me in 2 seconds for that purpose, but couldn't do it in 3 hours when I had steam coming out of my ears. But that's not a battle worth fighting...time to give an 18 year old his day in the light. Maybe he'll win a gift card to the Olive Garden or something and he can use it for prom.

In a no-way related gesture...I am going to add some pictures of little Lu because it's my blog and I can.

Have a great weekend!

The 5 stages of Grief...

I'm kicking it up a notch today folks!! You read it right! When I have been wronged, I go through all of the grieving stages that we learned about in 11th grade health if you were paying attention. And since I desperately wanted to be wearing an honors medal at my high school graduation I was diligently taking notes in that class while everyone else was contemplating lunch at Mexicalli Express vs. Burgerville. In any case, to refresh your memory the stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For the last 2 days I have been plowing through these trying desperately to get to "acceptance" because that is the place where I have nothing left to lose. And I have always believed that, although painful, it's only when you have nothing left to lose that the real work begins. It also happens to be when you are a very dangerous opponent. Well I'm there folks and it feels AWESOME!

I'll fulfill your curiosity and tell you right now that I am very fortunate that my issue in no way involves the health of myself or anyone around me. It's strictly one of those bumps in life that is out of my control, but will take hours of energy to correct. Want to know what it is? I'm an open book so I'll tell you :) I am being charged $830 for "unreturned equipment" by Frontier Communications (the new owner of Verizon Fios television)! Do I really owe this? No! Every piece of equipment was, in fact, returned. My grandmother in Heaven (God rest her soul) would tell you with Jesus by her side that this is the most fraudulent charge she has ever seen in her life. And seeing as she worked in a hospital which the Mecca for billing errors and malpractice suits....I can assure you that her words would mean more than an average passer by. Ahhhh....Grandma Madeleine. You raised a few fire-pistol women who raised a few more. Will I take this sitting down? Maybe "Step 1" Jenny would. But "Step 5" Jenny (the one with nothing to lose) has fire in her eyes, time on her side, and a point to prove. Are you ready Frontier Communications??? BRING. IT. ON.

$830? A gigantic corporation thinks they are going to stick it to the little guy and get them to pony up $830? You're barking up the wrong tree my friends! I may be the height of a sapling, but if anyone is going to get $830 it's going to be those who help you see the light and wish you had reversed the charges during my first phone call! That's right.....tit for tat my friend. How much time and how many resources do you want to spend trying to get me to write you a check you will never see? After 3 hours on the phone yesterday (where I effectively sent their supervisors on a wild goose chase for fun) I'll bet I'm up into the $500-$600 worth of damage already by employee time wasted alone. My favorite was when the unfortunate supervisor assigned to my case had no answer when I asked the name and address for his company's General Council. "Mrs. Schultz, I would have to interrupt our General Manager during a meeting to get that information." My answer? "I'll wait." And I did...

He also tried to convince me that he couldn't hand out random credits because of "Sarbanes Oxley" laws. Oh no, you didn't just try and pull out accounting speak with me, did you Mr. Frontier Communications?! He told me they might get audited. Well guess what buddy....I happen to be married to an accountant and am very aware that you might also get audited and have to explain why you have random spare equipment in your warehouse that you have in no way accounted for (where I am sure my equipment is). Do you have a way around that Mr. Frontier? I bet you do! His response was "That would be the inverse of this problem." Were you not paying attention Mr. Frontier? I said I took notes in high school! I don't need a re-cap on mathematical terminology. But I'll give you a pass because I bet you were excited to use a big word.

I any case, I am in limbo now having been asked to wait 3 days to see if they can resolve this issue for me without having to escalate it to a means outside of Frontier's control (ie...I start waiving the big guns). It took every fiber of my being to hang up that phone with this still unresolved and graciously allow them the time requested. I don't handle waiting very well. My mom had to remind me that even Jesus's followers had to wait three days for him to rise from the dead. She told me that was probably considerably harder than waiting for a phone call from Frontier. Gotta love a mom who slips a Bible lesson in at every opportunity! Oh how I wish I had her skill!

When we were little she even had this gigantic picture of Jesus hanging in our living room. While most moms were merely wondering if their kids were lying to them, my mom pulled out this little jewel of speech to keep us honest:

"Jenny, I don't care if you lie to me. I'm just your mom and it's your instinct to hide the truth at times. But what you tell God....that's between you and Him. So right now, why don't you stand in front of that picture and tell God what you just told me."

I've never lied to that picture! Not once. Not EVER. It's still hanging in her house too....

I wonder if I could fed-ex it to Frontier? I bet they would fail the honesty test. I'll keep you all updated as to whether or not my charge is cleared. But I am fully prepared for the next step if it is not. And on the extreme off chance they ever see the money from me....I hope they like unwrapping rolls of pennies.

He's a Superfreak!

First...Happy Birthday Shannon!! I love you! And I even forgive you for telling me to "Shut UP!" at the lunch table junior year :)

Anyway, I know that most of you who read my blog are very close friends and family for whom I don't need to fill in the cracks of my stories with side-notes reminding you that I am only partially serious. The rest of you are probably my friends on Facebook, don't ever say hi, are contemplating hiding me because I obviously have all-day internet access as evidenced by my frequent posts, but can't help your voyeuristic tendencies and have to peek into another person's life when given the opportunity. I get that...I'm okay with it. You won't ever catch me writing anything personal enough that I wouldn't want you to know about it. But don't get any crazy ideas...we have identity theft protection safeguards in place and you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of whatever Lifelock allows! (Not to mention there are WAY cooler people you could be than us. Think about it...)

I think sometimes I use my blog as a place to joke around about having kids and how they make you long for the days when being stressed was equated to whether or not your Esprit bag was still in style when the rest of the world had moved on to Jansport. But all joking aside, I LOVE my kids! I adore them! I don't remember my purpose without them! For every pain they cause me, they bring me a million laughs and for the first time in my life, they have made me entirely selfless without having to consciously think about it. They can make my heart overflow and then, in the very next breath, they can bring me to my knees begging God for mercy (and a 20 minute grocery shopping trip by myself). Only if you are a parent, and completely honest with yourself, can you truly truly understand both sides of this dichotomy.

One place where Emery has always tested my patience is in social situations. He is his dad's child for sure! Analytical by nature, very cautious, and not fond of crowds. Emery's not swayed by the story time lady's promise of sticker prizes and he laughs in the face of Santa (a safe 30 feet away) waiving a candy cane as a bribe for coming closer. This is all in stark contrast to my own personality! I mean, you know I wore school colors on spirit days by choice! Anyway....the point is that it is really taking a cognitive effort for me to learn to navigate Emery's nonsensical world. This is what I have learned so far:

• Story time = Emery's Personal Hell. That lady is scary. The puppets are scary. The sea of 3 year olds is scary. It's used only as a means to an end to get to play with cousin Josiah afterward.
• Soccer = Not a fun team sport. In Emery's world everyone has their own ball and operates exclusively of the other teammates. Interaction is entirely overrated.
  
• Swimming: No. No. No. For a million reasons No. There was a brief second of victory where he put his toes in the water without me holding his hand only because the instructor somehow equated it to being like the Polar Express.
• Dancing and singing "Superfreak" with a life size skeleton on your unknown neighbor's porch while in an astronaut suit: Perfectly acceptable, completely unintimidating, and a preferred pastime.

Ahhhhggg...yes. The kid with a million reservations has an affinity for life size singing & dancing skeletons. His grandma Davis has one (cleverly named "Mr. Bones" by my astute child) and Emery has learned every word to every song that he sings. I have the only 3 year old on the planet who follows "Twinkle Twinke Little Star" up with "Slow Ride.....Take it Easy." And wouldn't you know it....our neighbor has one of those creepy skeletons too! Watching Emery knock on a door and confidently say "Make him dance!" instead of "trick or treat" brought 2 thoughts to my mind:

1. It's going to take at least 18 years to figure this kid out....I'm not even sure that is enough time.
2. Who passes by a life size dancing skeleton and thinks, " I MUST buy that!!"? (No offense mom)

Here is our Halloween Photo Album:

He wanted to be a robot, but this crafty mom convinced him that a pre-made astronaut costume was waaaaaaaaaay cooler! He bought it! :)

Thank you Grandpa & Nana for the shuttle!

All of the cousins!
(Gavin, Preston, Christian, Beau, Josiah, Emery, Jadon & Owen)



"Mr. Bones 2.0" and a very amused neighbor!
(We were at this house a good 15 minutes)

Em's very best buddy (and cousin) Josiah