Thursday, September 19, 2013

Hey Teacher, Decode This!

Wow - September is flying by!  Soccer season has started and I have 2 glorious days of peace and quiet every week where both kids are in school at the same time!  Of course a good mom would never publicly call those days "glorious."  Instead, she would wear a huge smile while she recounted how quickly her kids are growing up and how long those hours of separation seem.  Lucky for you, I'm not a good mom...I'm a real mom! 

Now I would be lying if I said that Emery starting kindergarten didn't hit me like a ton of bricks! You see, I've been dropping him off at preschool for over two years and I naively thought that it prepared me to leave him at his new school and never look back! What I didn't count on was just how small a kindergartner looks walking into a school next to 5th graders. I'm now totally one of those moms who breaks stringent car-line rules and parks until I see that Emery has safely made it the whole way into the building. Trust me that in "suburban mom land" the only thing that would make me look more rebellious to my peers is two full tattoo sleeves and a Hot Topic outfit. When the school car-line patrol (that could easily rival air traffic control at PDX) notices me, I can see their uneasy looks at each other while they use covert baseball signals and reach for their walkie talkies.  I'm not kidding when I say that one of their bullet-pointed rules is, "You have 10 seconds to get out!"  But I can honestly appreciate that if they run a car-line in that controlled of a manner, then there is probably a whole lot of learning getting done in those classrooms.

The other major thing I was unprepared for was getting used to a new teacher who reminds me of a 26 year old version of myself. While she was talking 100 miles an hour and proudly proclaiming her credentials which happened to include my alma mater, I literally had visions of her smuggling peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate into a football game at 11:00 am after a week of skipping classes.  Seriously, the coffee on her desk was starting to look a little suspect.  I'm not judging that though - it takes a brave soul to face twenty 5 and 6 years olds all day! Even if her coffee were "special", I wouldn't blame her!

Of course while I was listening to her spiel on her personal educational philosophy on parents night, I was thinking what every parent thinks; "I wonder if she knows how special my kid is? I mean, I wonder if she knows that he's not regular special like the other kids....he's advanced special"  I wanted to raise my hand and ask but another bullet-pointed rule the school made clear was "no child-specific questions on parent's night."  Lucky for me, Emery's teacher had given each parent a questionnaire to fill out about their child where we could all brag explain why our kid is advanced special. Do not be fooled people, this is not a's a test!  This is how a teacher decodes it:

First to turn yours in = Type A parent.
Not enough description = Under involved parent
Too much description = Over involved parent.
Last to turn yours in = Disorganized parent.

And since I was so sure his teacher had CIA level decoding skills, I decided to give her my own little test!  We were asked to write down 5 words that best describes our kid. 

What I wrote: Sensitive
Decoded: This actually served more as a warning than a descriptive characteristic of Emery.  He's sensitive in that if you ask him to do something he should be doing anyway (ie - picking up his own mess), he will turn on the tears and use some sort of backwards voodoo logic that makes you feel like you stifled his creative process and prohibited him from freely growing in an environment without limitations. Trust me Mrs. Teacher, you will be cleaning up Emery's mess while you apologize to him that your people oppressed his in the 15th century.

What I wrote: Social
Decoded: Good luck getting him to shut his mouth....ever. The kids talks. A lot. Always. And if you happen to get a word in edgewise where you can politely ask him to be quiet he will say, "Okay, I'm being quiet now.  Do you hear me being quiet? Do I get a prize?"

What I wrote: Analytical
Decoded:  Get ready  to answer a whole lot of "Why?" questions! Why does red mean stop? Why does green mean go? Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why does mommy drink so much?

What I wrote: Caring
Decoded:  As in "He cares about his video games." But since this questionnaire is a test, I can't tell you that I let him play video games! I can assure you, however, that when it comes to Skylanders Emery cares a great deal!

What I wrote: Focused
Decoded:  He will not hear you when you tell him it's time to do something different than what he is already doing.  And if he does hear you, he won't look at you.  And if he does look at you, he will pretend he is deaf and furrow his eyebrows into a question like you are speaking a lost language. And if you give his 5 more minutes, he will hear 20. And if you figure out how to stop this cycle - please let me know!

Honestly, Emery is a great kid!  But like every kid, he's complex.  And I know that right when his teacher figures him out, he'll be on to first grade with a new teacher!  Am I in for this same process every year for the next 12 years?  All of you more experienced moms are probably laughing at me right now!  That's okay, my turn will come....

Looking sharp next to the ladies!

1 comment:

  1. Zachary was a talker too. Every year I heard that from his teachers....I tell them he comes by it honestly :) I totally felt the same way about Zach when he started school. Now he is a big 4th grader strong and confident.