Dr. Emery L. Schultz

Okay, so I really wrote this blog a few days ago but I couldn't post it until now because I didn't want to give away my Mother-in-Law's big birthday surprise!  Now that the party is over I feel like it's okay if I give you a re-cap of a typical "stay at home mom" day. This should answer any of your questions as to why I have considered completing an accounting degree and strong-arming my husband into job sharing his career far away from Dora and Diego!

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6:55 AM:  "Mommy.....mommy...is it wake up time yet?  I think it is and I already woke Lu up too!"  Awesome.  You see, when you go to a job everyday you get to take a shower, get ready, eat breakfast (even if it's on the run), waltz into work, hang your jacket up, and THEN start your job.  When you stay at home your job wakes you up at 6:55. NO MERCY.*

Today's agenda is packed because it is the day before my adorable Mother-in-Law's (let's say) 40th birthday.  That probably doesn't mean much to many people, but it means something HUGE to me.  It means that I am about to get a good kick in the rear from the procrastination patrol because, truth be told, I have been ignoring my assigned portion of "operation gift for grandma" which is an incredibly organized effort to give her a sentimental present from all the little ones who follow her around like a pack of puppies because they know she's a sucker at Target.  Why did I ignore this seemingly small project?  Well, first of all, it's kind of assumptive of you to think it's a small project.  Second of all, it was because it involved mixing cement......and children....and me.  Okay okay, it was actually a GREAT idea!  Every grandchild was responsible for making grandma a very special stepping stone for her garden.  But I have one kid who is OCD and doesn't want to get his hands dirty, and another one who is barely aware that she has hands.  Translation: I was solely responsible for making grandma two very special stepping stones for her garden.

I'm telling you, I couldn't get Emery to press his little hand or foot into that wet cement for the life of me!  There was one "glimmer of hope" moment when I heard the door between the garage and the playroom open and saw his little bare foot standing right next to my hands as they worked diligently to create a meaningful mosaic that grandma would cherish for years to come (no pressure). 

Me:  "Emery...do you want to put your foot right here?"

Emery: "What do I get for doing that?"

Me: "What do you want?  You can have a jellybean"  (Sidenote:  I don't care how you feel about bribing kids. I'm not too proud to admit that jellybeans have bought me more than 5 minutes of sanity in my lifetime. I'll send you a trophy if you have a better idea and can manage to keep it to yourself.)

Emery: "No, I don't want to! Besides, I'm kind of cold out here."

Me: (looking up for the first time) "Emery!  Why are you naked??!!!"

Emery:  "My clothes are dirty! I want new ones!"

See, when I said my kid has OCD, that wasn't just for effect.  I was being very serious! I probably have the only kid in America who won't eat chocolate because it, "makes his teeth dirty."  I'm already checking out dental schools for him and imaging the mad amount of free whitening supplies I am going to get in about 20 years. Just the other night, for example, while having dinner at my husband's coworker's house he had a COMPLETE meltdown after dinner because we forgot to pack a toothbrush.  Thank the good Lord above that the hostess had a few extra lurking in her closet. Some kids have blankets and some have special toys.  Mine has his Wall-E power toothbrush.  I'd be more worried about it except it's obvious that Emery won't be needing to block out any dates in his 2021 calendar for the NBA draft so I'm not opposed to working on plan B starting now! Extrapolate that same level of personal hygiene awareness to his clothes and you can imagine how much laundry I do.

Back to my day: If mixing cement while watching two children wasn't enough to take my breath away, the threat of snow was looming over the city.  I could have swore this is what I heard the newscaster say:

 "A winter snow warning has been put into effect for  the Willamette Valley.  Expect snow beginning Wednesday night through Thursday afternoon. Do you hear me Jenny Schultz?  What I am telling you is that against your better judgment you need to get into the car NOW with both kids and brave the grocery store with everyone else who is panicking!  What if you can't get out of your subdivision tomorrow and you run out of pre-sliced apples and have to convince Emery that bananas are just as good (a losing battle)??  Are you ready for that level of armageddon?"

Heck no I'm not! Into the car we went. You already know how I feel about grocery shopping with my kids so I'll spare you that story.  Just know it involved Emery sitting on two loaves of bread and me trying to exchange them for unsmashed loaves while the manager was simultaneously restocking the shelf right next to me!  That took some serious acting skills and about two minutes of forgetting my morals....

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Regardless, now it's Thursday and the inch of snow is finally here.  You know what that means for me!  An hour of helping Emery get dressed for the snow followed by 10 minutes of him actually playing in it.  But hey, at least he has clothes on so that (I will accept) is a victory for today...

 

  Snow Day!

* I'm completely aware that working moms have it hard in an entirely different way!  Trust me, I was one for a long time! But instead of taking it as a personal attack maybe you can just relish in the fact that you have a few glorious minutes every day where you can go the bathroom in peace...