Jenny Can't Cook: Surgeon General's Warning...

Well....it's been awhile. Do you know why? Because it's January and that's kind of like a giant "Monday" for the year. And who wants to do anything on a Monday except just try and get through it? No offense to anyone with January birthdays, but this month is lame. And I'm dealing with all of the things that parents (okay.....lazy parents like me) put off forever. Like potty training and selecting a preschool. In all honestly I'm only potty training because I'm selecting a preschool. Those places make it crystal clear that they are not in the business of bathroom tutorials. Noted. There went plan A!

There were a few redeeming parts to this month including a trip to Sunriver, a well deserved party in honor of my husband who managed to pass a grueling exam while simultaneously supporting a family and raising two kids, and a trip through wine country yesterday. Sadly it was yesterday's trip, though, where I was (once again) reminded that 21 does not last forever. But at least I was reminded in a blaze of glory! Of course that was followed by six hours of bargaining with the Good Lord above to let me be anywhere (and I mean even potty training in a public restroom) instead of laying on my bed cautiously trying to decipher whether my next sip of water in was going to be the first sip of water out. To save you the suspense, I didn't really get sick. As "Amber" wisely pointed out, the difference between 31 and 21 is we now know when to retire our tasting glasses. Well that and the fact that we now use tasting glasses and not red plastic cups. I think my internal cut off valve was about two tastings behind yesterday though. It's not shocking that I'm a little rusty after 2 kids. We all know pregnancy and alcohol don't mix. But the Surgeon General should just be honest and expand that warning to say something like this:

GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. Also, if you think you are going to be tossing one back a mere 9 months after conception, think again! Get used to it ladies, between nursing and sleep deprivation you are NEVER going to enjoy a sip of beer or wine again. And when you are out of the newborn stage and decide to temp fate by having a full glass of anything, nature will send you a cruel reminder that drinking is a thing of your past in the form of a three year old who will be abnormally wide eyed at 5 am with a "no mercy" look on his face and a solid 12-18 hours of planned activities aimed at testing the upper echelons of your parenting skills.

For real, I'm not much of a drinker anyway. It's virtually impossible to be a lush when you have kids unless you are doing something really really wrong! But when my friend Shannon planned an entire wine country outing complete with a driver and no kids, I eagerly signed up! Do you want to know what I really learned this time? I learned 2 things:

1. In my next life I want to be a limo driver! Sure it's not the most glamorous job in the world but talk about easy! After the first two wineries there is NOTHING our driver could have done that we wouldn't have written off as hilarious like he was the next coming of Steve Carell and destined to be a Paul Rudd movie. Take for instance two things that we literally high fived the kid for: (1) Locking the keys in the limo and (2) telling a bunch of women who are wrestling with coming into our 30's and maintaining our youth/figures that we ate more than any group he has ever seen! Do you think his tip got compromised for these things at all? Heck no! Instead he practically got painted as Superman for being able to deliver us home safely (hey drunk ladies....that's what he's paid to do!) For real...the guy only had one job and he locked the keys in the car! And after he was able to jimmy it open with a hanger that was in the trunk (has this happened before?) we actually justified the experience by saying it gave us time to "enjoy a light lunch." Ummm....Outsmarted.....by a kid!

2. The Nanny Diaries is a horrible movie. After arriving home my amazing husband didn't even bat an eyelash at letting me ride out the rest of the night in my dark bedroom regretting the fact that I didn't eat even more of the classy cheez-it limo snacks! Unfortunately for me, The Nanny Diaries was playing on a loop on E! and I couldn't muster the energy to find the remote allowing me to watch something better like House Hunters. That wasn't Scarlett Johansson's best movie...actually, that really wasn't anyone's best movie.

So long story short, I won't be drinking for a long....long time! At least until I forget the pain of yesterday. And seeing how tomorrow is LuLu's first birthday and I haven't forgotten the pain of her birth yet (just say no to Fentanyl!), I don't anticipate picking up a wine glass anytime soon.

Happy Birthday LuluBelle!! It's going to be a great week!