The Death Road

How was your Memorial Weekend?!

I wish I were going to follow up that question with a drawn out recap of how amazing my Memorial Weekend was, but there are a few things in the way of that happening:

1. I live in Oregon so Memorial Day weekend is generally an indoor activity.
2. I have kids.

Okay, okay! I realize that I am blessed to have kids and in theory that increases the importance of family time during these rare three day weekends.  In theory, however, family time doesn't include chasing a 15 month old in non "baby-proofed" environments thus eliminating any chance of actually having a conversation with another human being that doesn't involve the phrases, "No No!" and "Icky Icky!"  So instead of hopping in our car (after taking out a second mortgage to fill er' up) and creating memories at the beach or on a camping trip like the rest of America, we chose to spend most of the weekend in the good old Schultz house.   It's so relaxing to be in our own little bubble where every light socket is plugged and you can't go into a room without disarming a baby gate that rivals MIT in the level of intelligence required to be granted entrance. (Sidenote:  Do they use these baby gates in wartime strategies?  They should!  A retina scan security point would be easier to fake your way through than trying to figure out where to press one of those gates to unlock it!)

Anyway, because I was home (and my husband was here to help with the bath times and potty emergencies) I kind of went into this trance of laziness that my parental responsibilities wouldn't normally allow for.  This would be better explained if I just came clean and told you that I watched 6 hours of Netflix and made a frozen pizza for lunch.  I bet you're wondering what I could possibly watch for 6 hours?  You probably think it was Lifetime movies or The Real Housewives of Bankruptcy?  Nope....not even close!  It was Ice Road Truckers.   More Specifically....."Ice Road Truckers - World's Deadliest Roads." You see, besides "jean hoarding", another secret of mine is obsessive internet research.  For example, that is how I became "crazy tsunami lady" and scared myself into taking my kids to wave pools for all of life instead of the Oregon Coast. All it took was 12 hours of scientific article reading, youtube vidoes, and wikipedia. It was cheaper than another college degree and I probably retained 3 times as much information because I wasn't preoccupied with what I was planning on wearing to "Taco Tuesday" that night.

But waaaaaaaaay before tsunamis, I went through a phase where I couldn't learn enough about the deadliest roads in the world. I have no idea why this fascinates me considering the fact that if there is so much as "chain advisory" while going over the Government Camp Pass, I want to turn back and enjoy a nice afternoon in Sandy where we can admire Mt. Hood from afar.  Regardless, the one road I was particularly amazed by is this road in Bolivia nicknamed, "The Death Road." Have any of you heard of this road?  It's like a one lane gravel road with an unsecured cliff on one side and oh......just a mere 3000-6000 foot drop off on the other side with no guard rail.  Can you even imagine?!?!  And people drive down that thing every day! It's insane.  ABSOLUTELY INSANE!! So I was beyond captivated watching 6 hours of North American truckers driving on very similar roads in the Indian Himalayas in trucks that look like they were made out of toothpicks.  At least Indians have a sense of style and decorate their toothpick trucks with a whole bunch of metallic streamers that look like they belong adorning the handles of banana seat bikes. Hey, If you're going die, I say why not do it flamboyantly!?  We could all learn something from their stylistic optimism!

I, for one, felt guilty wasting so much time on a wonder of the world that I have NO intention of ever visiting.  But I think God was giving me a pass on my laziness this time because as luck would have it, Luke had some relatives in town this weekend that he hadn't seen forever.  And wouldn't you know it, they lived in Bolivia of all places!  So before I could finish introducing myself as Luke's wife I was screaming over a crowd of in-laws, "Hey...have you ever been on the Death Road?"  And not only had they been on it, it was their road to work!  I could have listened attentively to hours of stories about this subject. If Terry (our esteemed Death Road driver) had ever wanted a captive audience - he had one now.  I was both sad and relieved that he said the danger is kind of sensationalized for television documentaries. But I bet he is just conditioned to say that so his wife didn't spend her every waking hour in prayer for his safety!

I'm not sure where I'm going with this.  But if you're bored....it's a topic you can google or something.

Hope you had a great weekend!

Ummm....if this is my way to work, I'll starve thanks!

PS, a very sincere "Thank You" to all of our Nation's Armed Forces past and present!  I'm incredibly passionate about respecting these people, their families, and all they risk to protect our nation!  Even something as simple as writing this blog today is possible because of your tireless work to keep this a nation of freedom. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

And......We're Back!

So it's been awhile since my last post.  I've been thinking about writing for some time but the problem was that I didn't know where to start!  I have so many "this is what we did" stories and pictures, but after a month of no updates I wasn't sure which qualified as crossing that line into interesting and worthwhile reading.  But then again, not much I write about is ground breaking journalism to begin with. That is unless, you too, understand why finding a missing Spider-Man head can be the dividing line between a great day or one that makes you question your past birth control choices.

So....hmmmmm....let me see. I guess I'll do a mini-update!  Tsunamis:  I conquered my fear and went back to the beach!  Let me be extra clear that this was only because it was Luke's company trip and because there was a free massage involved.  So with heavy relaxation in mind, we left the kids behind and headed to Salishan Resort where I would have one very peaceful nights sleep that wouldn't end with Handy Manny at 5:30 in the morning. Bliss!  Except.....

I'm not someone who thinks that an hour long massage is Heaven on Earth.  Beyond the awkward touching between strangers, it's actually the environment I have an issue with. I mean, think about it!  Dark room....stranger....candles....new age music....people pay for stuff like this?!  Other people (like me) file police reports for stuff like this!  In any case, during a typical hour long massage it usually takes me about 30 minutes to stop the conversation in my head that I use as a distraction from my #1 enemy....silence.  If you know me, you know that silence isn't my strong point.  I can find a way and a story to fill even 2 minutes of dead air with anyone from my kids to a stranger in a lobby.  Yeah....I'm "that" person in front of you in the grocery store line asking the checker if they've ever tried Chocolate Cheerios while it's obvious that all they care about is that their state mandated 15 minute break is running late and desperately needed after an influx of novice "extreme couponers."  But worse than the silence, and worse than the fact that this massage was at sea level (can I survive 3 days in a spa robe until help arrives provided I even find high ground??) was the fact that I had my very first male massage therapist.  Ummm.....aren't there just some professions that are best left to one gender or the other?  A male therapist massaging a female in a closed room = awkward.  A male therapist massaging a male in a closed room = really awkward. No offense to my masseuse Greg (or whatever his name was) but unless you are 25, a Cross-Fit® trainer on the side, and my husband totally approves*, I NEVER want to tell you what I think feels good! NEVER.

Other than that, our main adventure in the last month was a family trip to the Great Wolf Lodge.  I eagerly booked two nights as soon as I saw the following magic words on their website : "84 degrees every day!"  SOLD.

Our trip can best be summed up by a list of souvenirs -

•  MagiQuest Wand
•  Set of Wolf Ears
•  Case of Pink Eye  (No extra charge for that!)

On a totally unrelated note, does anyone know where I can buy a black onsie?  For Luelle....not me (although that would have been a smashing addition to my bodysuit collection in Junior High!)  I am not a fashonista but I live by one apparel rule: never buy black cotton!  Black cotton items are like land-mines in your wardrobe that explode at the exact moment you need a sharp dark tone only to find it's now a faded heather grey after one careful wash and line dry! Of course, there is no shortage of black cotton at retailers across the city until you actually need it! And I need a black onsie so I can take some pictures of LuLu that should have been done forever ago!  I've been procrastinating on this task for entirely too long and after helping a friend with pictures of her little girl this weekend, I realized that I am way behind the eight-ball on properly documenting my daughter's life.  It was motivation I desperately needed!!  And I hope she doesn't mind me sharing.....but how freaking cute is this little princess Ellie???!

* Side note:  For those of you wondering.....Luke didn't approve even when it was a man more likely to go shopping with me than to hit on me in a bar.