Is anyone reading this legally allowed to write me a prescription for Xanax? I knew I should have been way nicer to those kids studying chemistry in college!! I really did a horrible job anticipating my future networking needs and instead spent countless nights in the business computer lab working hard to earn a "marketing" degree. I mean, what can all my OSU business classmates help me out with now? If I'm lucky maybe one of them got some cushy job as the head of brand development for Red Bull and I might score a free caffeinated drink provided I find them on Facebook and relish in the good ole times where I did their share of group work because I am type A and their writing skills weren't up to par. (side note: Clearly my writing skills are A+ as evidenced by the fact that I never do run on sentences.....ever!) Regardless, I don't need caffeine....I need Xanax! Yesterday! Last Week!
Oh...I hate the news! I try not to live in fear, but someone at KGW is doing a great job because I am trying hard to decide whether buying 20 gallons of water or physically moving my family to Bend is a more effective solution to squashing my reawakened lifelong fear of mega-earthquakes. Am I the only one going through this? Is anyone else sweating bullets that we live in a place where this can truly happen? In all honesty, I've come a long way since last week. Moving to Bend is a mental compromise where I can still be close to my family but earthquakes won't feel as big. Last week I actually wanted to move to Florida or North Dakota which are the two states least likely to have any type of earthquakes. Do you want to know how I know this? Because I am crazy earthquake/tsunami research lady now! It's out of control! For instance, we're supposed to take the kids on a nice little beach vacation after tax season this year. Do you know how I am choosing my destination? I'm selecting it based on which city has an abundance of quickly accessible "high ground" in case a mega-quake creates a tsunami that leaves me only 15 minutes to find a local mountain top! I'm considering writing off the Oregon Coast all together the rest of my life. It's overrated. Not even warm. This, of course, was all going on in my head before I presented my plan to my husband who looked at me like I was crazy before saying, "You realize that there is like a billion percent more chance that we get into a car accident on the way to the beach?" Good point. Driving is overrated too. You know, I've been looking for some motivation to start the "Couch to 5K" program! Escaping an Oregon Coast tsunami may give me a renewed interest in increasing my stamina for long distance running. Always a silver lining, right? In 6 months I'll thank this fear for my stunning new figure!
So anyway, I'm not trying to scare anyone or bring you down to my level. Please understand this fear is coming from someone who volunteers to hold coats while everyone else is going on Splash Mountain because that last vertical drop into the water makes me stomach quiver and cute little animated cartoons singing Disney songs hardly puts my soul at ease. (Side note: If you ever go to Disneyland you might consider taking me as paid staff. I'll watch your strollers too!). And I've actually been in Earthquakes before (practically sitting on the epicenter of that 5.6 in 1993....you Canby folks remember that?!) and it wasn't as horrible as I imagined. I just threw my covers over my head because if anything was going to protect me it was going to be a floral duvet cover! And besides that, the only thing my recent research proved is that Geologists say a 9.0 could hit Oregon/Washington today or it could be another 700 years. Yeah, they got paid Lord knows much to reach that conclusion once again proving that I picked the wrong major in college...
Talk me down people! I can tell I'm overreacting because I made my husband bolt the playroom shelves to the wall! Of course Luke told me he wasn't doing it because of my earthquake fears, but because more likely than that some kid was going to climb it and we would be forced to test the limits of our homeowner's insurance policy regarding accidental injury. Really I think he just knows that bolting those things is easier than listening to me do my "move away from the shelf drills" with the kids on an ongoing basis which yes, I did do!
Speaking of homeowner's insurance, if anyone is looking for a new agent (Life/Home/Auto) my brother in law is featured in this month's Portland Monthly as one of Portland's best Insurance Agents! Way to go Nate!! Congratulations! Here's to hoping I never have to call you to utilize one of my policies :)
Check Out Nate's Website Here!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Item of the Week
Well today was supposed to change my life, and it didn't. So much for winning the St. Patrick's Day Million Dollar Raffle! Oh well, living mortgage free is overrated, right? It's a good thing I never started packing my bags for that Hawaiin vacation (I had already mentally purchased tickets) that I was going to use to celebrate our good fortune. If you're not sad for me, you should be! I'll have you know that I was going to rent a few houses for my closest friends and hold a huge celebratory party Island Style! Of course my hypothetical party plan kind of ignored the fact that $1,000,000 after taxes might not totally cover the tab of what I deem to be "Island Style." I guess I'll just hold onto our losing ticket so I can claim it as a deduction when I finally do win a jackpot. Did you know you could do that? As if when you win millions of dollars your first concern is going to be digging out and organizing all of your losing lottery tickets so that you can claim a $100 deduction against your winnings. Regardless, I'll hold onto it just in case. It makes me feel like an optimist!
Maybe it's better that I didn't win because I would probably be one of those people who lost touch with reality and went all crazy. My idea of crazy though would be spending $1.99 on a pack of foil star stickers for Emery's potty chart instead of making a special trip to the Dollar Store to save the 99¢ difference. Speaking of the Dollar Store, I went there the other day for this exact reason! I have a love/hate relationship with the Dollar Store. For example, I love that I can buy a gift bag there for $1 instead of the $4.99 that Hallmark charges. I hate that it costs me an extra $4 to buy that bag when I get distracted by giant boxes of Mike & Ike's and Nerds. Another thing I hate is that there are times when I find myself mid-aisle staring off into space contemplating things like:
1. Whose idea was it to have "Item of the Week" and not make that item less than $1? Imagine how much they pay to have those dang posters printed when it's not like some "extreme-couponer" (sidenote: has anyone seen that show??) is going to show up and clear the shelf out for theirhoarding pleasure "stockpile". Not when you can get the very same thing next week for........$1.
2. There may be some good deals there but there are some serious traps too! For instance, I saw another huge poster highlighting the fact that they have H&R Block tax filing software. Imagine the convenience and savings! Except.....it's Federal filing only and just in case you don't keep up on tax software, it's FREE online. All you get for $1 (in this case) is a CD that you can use as a pint glass coaster if you still decorate like it's your junior year in college.
3. Who trains these cashiers? (Part I). Instead of meandering through the whole store I thought to ask someone if they knew if they carry star stickers. I won't deny that the employee was incredibly eager to help me find them. The only problem is that she finally caught up with me 10 minutes later to apologize that they don't stock them as I stood in the middle of their school supply aisle putting two boxes of said stickers in my basket. "Whoa," she said! "You better buy those now in case we don't have them later!" Yeah, because I'm pretty sure the Dollar Store has a monopoly on foil star stickers? "A" for effort on this sales pitch, but I'm not thinking a commissioned sales position is in her future.
4. Who trains these cashiers? (Part 2). Why does it take so long to do the math for change? Lady....I'm a patient person, really I am! But we're working with WHOLE DOLLARS here! I gave you a ten. I bought 3 things. Why do you have a calculator? Why are you using it? I wonder if she applied in Washington but the sales tax tripped her up so she got demoted to Oregon? This state is probably the pit of Dollar Store employees for that very reason....
You know, there are some days when I feel really productive and like I have something to say that some of you might be interested in. And there are days like today when I re-read what I wrote and slowly realize that I shouldn't admit I've given any topic that much thought. At least those employees are working and contributing to society! I, on the other hand, was just killing time writing this while I wait for my Net-Flix to get here. Better go check the mail!
PS...I don't have anything against "extreme couponers" for a family looking to save some money. But if you're hoarding 300 toothbrushes and 30 years of toilet paper just so you can brag that you saved $300 while having to buy a bigger house to store it all in....you have math skills that rival those of my last Dollar Store cashier :)
Maybe it's better that I didn't win because I would probably be one of those people who lost touch with reality and went all crazy. My idea of crazy though would be spending $1.99 on a pack of foil star stickers for Emery's potty chart instead of making a special trip to the Dollar Store to save the 99¢ difference. Speaking of the Dollar Store, I went there the other day for this exact reason! I have a love/hate relationship with the Dollar Store. For example, I love that I can buy a gift bag there for $1 instead of the $4.99 that Hallmark charges. I hate that it costs me an extra $4 to buy that bag when I get distracted by giant boxes of Mike & Ike's and Nerds. Another thing I hate is that there are times when I find myself mid-aisle staring off into space contemplating things like:
1. Whose idea was it to have "Item of the Week" and not make that item less than $1? Imagine how much they pay to have those dang posters printed when it's not like some "extreme-couponer" (sidenote: has anyone seen that show??) is going to show up and clear the shelf out for their
2. There may be some good deals there but there are some serious traps too! For instance, I saw another huge poster highlighting the fact that they have H&R Block tax filing software. Imagine the convenience and savings! Except.....it's Federal filing only and just in case you don't keep up on tax software, it's FREE online. All you get for $1 (in this case) is a CD that you can use as a pint glass coaster if you still decorate like it's your junior year in college.
3. Who trains these cashiers? (Part I). Instead of meandering through the whole store I thought to ask someone if they knew if they carry star stickers. I won't deny that the employee was incredibly eager to help me find them. The only problem is that she finally caught up with me 10 minutes later to apologize that they don't stock them as I stood in the middle of their school supply aisle putting two boxes of said stickers in my basket. "Whoa," she said! "You better buy those now in case we don't have them later!" Yeah, because I'm pretty sure the Dollar Store has a monopoly on foil star stickers? "A" for effort on this sales pitch, but I'm not thinking a commissioned sales position is in her future.
4. Who trains these cashiers? (Part 2). Why does it take so long to do the math for change? Lady....I'm a patient person, really I am! But we're working with WHOLE DOLLARS here! I gave you a ten. I bought 3 things. Why do you have a calculator? Why are you using it? I wonder if she applied in Washington but the sales tax tripped her up so she got demoted to Oregon? This state is probably the pit of Dollar Store employees for that very reason....
You know, there are some days when I feel really productive and like I have something to say that some of you might be interested in. And there are days like today when I re-read what I wrote and slowly realize that I shouldn't admit I've given any topic that much thought. At least those employees are working and contributing to society! I, on the other hand, was just killing time writing this while I wait for my Net-Flix to get here. Better go check the mail!
PS...I don't have anything against "extreme couponers" for a family looking to save some money. But if you're hoarding 300 toothbrushes and 30 years of toilet paper just so you can brag that you saved $300 while having to buy a bigger house to store it all in....you have math skills that rival those of my last Dollar Store cashier :)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Are Quarters Magnetic?
So yesterday I took the kids to the mall. Isn't it funny how that alone is worthy of a blog entry when there was a time (not long ago) when writing about going to a mall would be the equivalent of writing about the fact that I decided to have lunch on any given day? Regardless, that's where the story starts....at Washington Square Mall.
Now there are a few reasons I don't go to the mall anymore:
1. We don't fit. Have you ever compared the size of a double wide stroller to the size of an average shopping aisle? No wonder my husband was so quick to say yes to my request for a Double Bob! It's the last thing I've ever bought because owning it makes it impossible to shop anywhere including places like Gymboree or Gap Kids where their marketing geniuses have yet to figure out that if they made the stores stroller friendly, they might sell more to (wait for it......) their target consumer! Novel idea huh?
2. I don't have enough quarters. I don't think I've ever lied about the fact that sometimes I'm more about sanity than teaching moral lessons in front of an audience of strangers. For example, if I have to choose between teaching Emery that he can't have everything he wants like the "pay rides" (conveniently located next to the free play area) through his sobbing tears while holding a baby that just threw her bottle at a passer by....guess what? I'll dig for 50¢, revel in the 20 minutes of peace it bought me, and save that lesson for a time when he wants something really dumb like that stupid remote control Bigfoot. Hmmmm.... now that I'm thinking about it, Gap Kids should just hire the people who thought to put the pay rides by the free play area! Those people knew what they were doing! The only way to get quarters out of my pocket faster would be to install industrial strength magnets at the door. (Wait....are quarters magnetic? If not....for the sake of the story, pretend they are.)
3. Subway. Who doesn't love $5 footlongs?? I'll tell you who! The Subway franchise owners at the mall! You know when you see the $5 Footlong commercial and it says really small on the bottom of the screen, "only valid at participating locations." Well guess which Subways don't participate? Yup....the mall ones. I don't know if it's my place to tell them, but being located next to a "hurricane simulator" should be reason enough to shed the superiority complex that is somehow developed by sharing your dining room with a Panda Express. I'll just tell you that I could taste $2 of resentment on my $7 turkey sub.
4. Shopping is a big tease. Forget the fact that 99¢ of every $1 to my name goes to diapers and inflated preschool registration fees and (just for a second) pretend that funds are unlimited. Would that mean I could shop to my heart's content? NOT A CHANCE. I did go into the new H&M just to check out it. However it took me a box of raisins, a bag of grapes, and some freeze dried apples just to get through the first 3 rounders of the clothing equivalent to Ikea furniture. If you really think about it, that's roughly a $5 "snack tax" just to try and save $3 on a shirt. Economics people....economics. This is false savings!! I did buy a few things, but in my haste didn't realize that I had multiple H&M store hangers hiding in the crevices of my stroller canopy until I made it all the way to the parking lot. They'll make a lovely addition to my hall closet until I can rightfully return them when a) I go to the mall again and b) I remember to take them with me. In all honesty, those two conditions are a perfect storm of "never going to happen."
So in a nutshell, if it hadn't been for the grand prize of getting to spend 3 hours with my sister, it would be a trip that I wouldn't have taken. I did notice, however, that Nordstrom now has a complimentary 2 hour babysitting service for ages 3-8. They also have a gigantic sign on the door that says something to the effect of "We won't take your kid to the bathroom so if you think you're dropping them of here fully loaded and it's our problem....think again!" Still, that's a semi-step forward for any store! Now I can enjoy my God-given right to (window) shop for purses that I can't afford in peace!
Other than that, my weekend was great! Besides the fact that it was my own mother's birthday (Happy Birthday Mom!!) It was also my Mother-in-Laws birthday (as noted in a previous blog entry) and there was another surprise event for her. I hope Luke was taking notes because his father planned an all day wine escape complete with an amazing family dinner in wine country. I say it was amazing because this woman raised 5 kids and every one of them could still read the menu after 8 hours of tastings. Although I realize the purpose of the day was to celebrate her birthday, this was the first entire day I have spent kid-free with my husband in a long long loooooong time! Here is a picture of us.....together....without kids. (Thank you "Amber" for holding down the fort at home!)
Now there are a few reasons I don't go to the mall anymore:
1. We don't fit. Have you ever compared the size of a double wide stroller to the size of an average shopping aisle? No wonder my husband was so quick to say yes to my request for a Double Bob! It's the last thing I've ever bought because owning it makes it impossible to shop anywhere including places like Gymboree or Gap Kids where their marketing geniuses have yet to figure out that if they made the stores stroller friendly, they might sell more to (wait for it......) their target consumer! Novel idea huh?
2. I don't have enough quarters. I don't think I've ever lied about the fact that sometimes I'm more about sanity than teaching moral lessons in front of an audience of strangers. For example, if I have to choose between teaching Emery that he can't have everything he wants like the "pay rides" (conveniently located next to the free play area) through his sobbing tears while holding a baby that just threw her bottle at a passer by....guess what? I'll dig for 50¢, revel in the 20 minutes of peace it bought me, and save that lesson for a time when he wants something really dumb like that stupid remote control Bigfoot. Hmmmm.... now that I'm thinking about it, Gap Kids should just hire the people who thought to put the pay rides by the free play area! Those people knew what they were doing! The only way to get quarters out of my pocket faster would be to install industrial strength magnets at the door. (Wait....are quarters magnetic? If not....for the sake of the story, pretend they are.)
3. Subway. Who doesn't love $5 footlongs?? I'll tell you who! The Subway franchise owners at the mall! You know when you see the $5 Footlong commercial and it says really small on the bottom of the screen, "only valid at participating locations." Well guess which Subways don't participate? Yup....the mall ones. I don't know if it's my place to tell them, but being located next to a "hurricane simulator" should be reason enough to shed the superiority complex that is somehow developed by sharing your dining room with a Panda Express. I'll just tell you that I could taste $2 of resentment on my $7 turkey sub.
4. Shopping is a big tease. Forget the fact that 99¢ of every $1 to my name goes to diapers and inflated preschool registration fees and (just for a second) pretend that funds are unlimited. Would that mean I could shop to my heart's content? NOT A CHANCE. I did go into the new H&M just to check out it. However it took me a box of raisins, a bag of grapes, and some freeze dried apples just to get through the first 3 rounders of the clothing equivalent to Ikea furniture. If you really think about it, that's roughly a $5 "snack tax" just to try and save $3 on a shirt. Economics people....economics. This is false savings!! I did buy a few things, but in my haste didn't realize that I had multiple H&M store hangers hiding in the crevices of my stroller canopy until I made it all the way to the parking lot. They'll make a lovely addition to my hall closet until I can rightfully return them when a) I go to the mall again and b) I remember to take them with me. In all honesty, those two conditions are a perfect storm of "never going to happen."
So in a nutshell, if it hadn't been for the grand prize of getting to spend 3 hours with my sister, it would be a trip that I wouldn't have taken. I did notice, however, that Nordstrom now has a complimentary 2 hour babysitting service for ages 3-8. They also have a gigantic sign on the door that says something to the effect of "We won't take your kid to the bathroom so if you think you're dropping them of here fully loaded and it's our problem....think again!" Still, that's a semi-step forward for any store! Now I can enjoy my God-given right to (window) shop for purses that I can't afford in peace!
Other than that, my weekend was great! Besides the fact that it was my own mother's birthday (Happy Birthday Mom!!) It was also my Mother-in-Laws birthday (as noted in a previous blog entry) and there was another surprise event for her. I hope Luke was taking notes because his father planned an all day wine escape complete with an amazing family dinner in wine country. I say it was amazing because this woman raised 5 kids and every one of them could still read the menu after 8 hours of tastings. Although I realize the purpose of the day was to celebrate her birthday, this was the first entire day I have spent kid-free with my husband in a long long loooooong time! Here is a picture of us.....together....without kids. (Thank you "Amber" for holding down the fort at home!)
Cheers to the birthday girl! We love you mama-Stacy!
Small note:
I'm not ignoring my own mothers birthday. She's a little under the weather so we have postponed her birthday celebration. Feel better mom!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Dr. Emery L. Schultz
Okay, so I really wrote this blog a few days ago but I couldn't post it until now because I didn't want to give away my Mother-in-Law's big birthday surprise! Now that the party is over I feel like it's okay if I give you a re-cap of a typical "stay at home mom" day. This should answer any of your questions as to why I have considered completing an accounting degree and strong-arming my husband into job sharing his career far away from Dora and Diego!
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6:55 AM: "Mommy.....mommy...is it wake up time yet? I think it is and I already woke Lu up too!" Awesome. You see, when you go to a job everyday you get to take a shower, get ready, eat breakfast (even if it's on the run), waltz into work, hang your jacket up, and THEN start your job. When you stay at home your job wakes you up at 6:55. NO MERCY.*
Today's agenda is packed because it is the day before my adorable Mother-in-Law's (let's say) 40th birthday. That probably doesn't mean much to many people, but it means something HUGE to me. It means that I am about to get a good kick in the rear from the procrastination patrol because, truth be told, I have been ignoring my assigned portion of "operation gift for grandma" which is an incredibly organized effort to give her a sentimental present from all the little ones who follow her around like a pack of puppies because they know she's a sucker at Target. Why did I ignore this seemingly small project? Well, first of all, it's kind of assumptive of you to think it's a small project. Second of all, it was because it involved mixing cement......and children....and me. Okay okay, it was actually a GREAT idea! Every grandchild was responsible for making grandma a very special stepping stone for her garden. But I have one kid who is OCD and doesn't want to get his hands dirty, and another one who is barely aware that she has hands. Translation: I was solely responsible for making grandma two very special stepping stones for her garden.
I'm telling you, I couldn't get Emery to press his little hand or foot into that wet cement for the life of me! There was one "glimmer of hope" moment when I heard the door between the garage and the playroom open and saw his little bare foot standing right next to my hands as they worked diligently to create a meaningful mosaic that grandma would cherish for years to come (no pressure).
Me: "Emery...do you want to put your foot right here?"
Emery: "What do I get for doing that?"
Me: "What do you want? You can have a jellybean" (Sidenote: I don't care how you feel about bribing kids. I'm not too proud to admit that jellybeans have bought me more than 5 minutes of sanity in my lifetime. I'll send you a trophy if you have a better idea and can manage to keep it to yourself.)
Emery: "No, I don't want to! Besides, I'm kind of cold out here."
Me: (looking up for the first time) "Emery! Why are you naked??!!!"
Emery: "My clothes are dirty! I want new ones!"
See, when I said my kid has OCD, that wasn't just for effect. I was being very serious! I probably have the only kid in America who won't eat chocolate because it, "makes his teeth dirty." I'm already checking out dental schools for him and imaging the mad amount of free whitening supplies I am going to get in about 20 years. Just the other night, for example, while having dinner at my husband's coworker's house he had a COMPLETE meltdown after dinner because we forgot to pack a toothbrush. Thank the good Lord above that the hostess had a few extra lurking in her closet. Some kids have blankets and some have special toys. Mine has his Wall-E power toothbrush. I'd be more worried about it except it's obvious that Emery won't be needing to block out any dates in his 2021 calendar for the NBA draft so I'm not opposed to working on plan B starting now! Extrapolate that same level of personal hygiene awareness to his clothes and you can imagine how much laundry I do.
Back to my day: If mixing cement while watching two children wasn't enough to take my breath away, the threat of snow was looming over the city. I could have swore this is what I heard the newscaster say:
"A winter snow warning has been put into effect for the Willamette Valley. Expect snow beginning Wednesday night through Thursday afternoon. Do you hear me Jenny Schultz? What I am telling you is that against your better judgment you need to get into the car NOW with both kids and brave the grocery store with everyone else who is panicking! What if you can't get out of your subdivision tomorrow and you run out of pre-sliced apples and have to convince Emery that bananas are just as good (a losing battle)?? Are you ready for that level of armageddon?"
Heck no I'm not! Into the car we went. You already know how I feel about grocery shopping with my kids so I'll spare you that story. Just know it involved Emery sitting on two loaves of bread and me trying to exchange them for unsmashed loaves while the manager was simultaneously restocking the shelf right next to me! That took some serious acting skills and about two minutes of forgetting my morals....
------------
Regardless, now it's Thursday and the inch of snow is finally here. You know what that means for me! An hour of helping Emery get dressed for the snow followed by 10 minutes of him actually playing in it. But hey, at least he has clothes on so that (I will accept) is a victory for today...
* I'm completely aware that working moms have it hard in an entirely different way! Trust me, I was one for a long time! But instead of taking it as a personal attack maybe you can just relish in the fact that you have a few glorious minutes every day where you can go the bathroom in peace...
-------------
6:55 AM: "Mommy.....mommy...is it wake up time yet? I think it is and I already woke Lu up too!" Awesome. You see, when you go to a job everyday you get to take a shower, get ready, eat breakfast (even if it's on the run), waltz into work, hang your jacket up, and THEN start your job. When you stay at home your job wakes you up at 6:55. NO MERCY.*
Today's agenda is packed because it is the day before my adorable Mother-in-Law's (let's say) 40th birthday. That probably doesn't mean much to many people, but it means something HUGE to me. It means that I am about to get a good kick in the rear from the procrastination patrol because, truth be told, I have been ignoring my assigned portion of "operation gift for grandma" which is an incredibly organized effort to give her a sentimental present from all the little ones who follow her around like a pack of puppies because they know she's a sucker at Target. Why did I ignore this seemingly small project? Well, first of all, it's kind of assumptive of you to think it's a small project. Second of all, it was because it involved mixing cement......and children....and me. Okay okay, it was actually a GREAT idea! Every grandchild was responsible for making grandma a very special stepping stone for her garden. But I have one kid who is OCD and doesn't want to get his hands dirty, and another one who is barely aware that she has hands. Translation: I was solely responsible for making grandma two very special stepping stones for her garden.
I'm telling you, I couldn't get Emery to press his little hand or foot into that wet cement for the life of me! There was one "glimmer of hope" moment when I heard the door between the garage and the playroom open and saw his little bare foot standing right next to my hands as they worked diligently to create a meaningful mosaic that grandma would cherish for years to come (no pressure).
Me: "Emery...do you want to put your foot right here?"
Emery: "What do I get for doing that?"
Me: "What do you want? You can have a jellybean" (Sidenote: I don't care how you feel about bribing kids. I'm not too proud to admit that jellybeans have bought me more than 5 minutes of sanity in my lifetime. I'll send you a trophy if you have a better idea and can manage to keep it to yourself.)
Emery: "No, I don't want to! Besides, I'm kind of cold out here."
Me: (looking up for the first time) "Emery! Why are you naked??!!!"
Emery: "My clothes are dirty! I want new ones!"
See, when I said my kid has OCD, that wasn't just for effect. I was being very serious! I probably have the only kid in America who won't eat chocolate because it, "makes his teeth dirty." I'm already checking out dental schools for him and imaging the mad amount of free whitening supplies I am going to get in about 20 years. Just the other night, for example, while having dinner at my husband's coworker's house he had a COMPLETE meltdown after dinner because we forgot to pack a toothbrush. Thank the good Lord above that the hostess had a few extra lurking in her closet. Some kids have blankets and some have special toys. Mine has his Wall-E power toothbrush. I'd be more worried about it except it's obvious that Emery won't be needing to block out any dates in his 2021 calendar for the NBA draft so I'm not opposed to working on plan B starting now! Extrapolate that same level of personal hygiene awareness to his clothes and you can imagine how much laundry I do.
Back to my day: If mixing cement while watching two children wasn't enough to take my breath away, the threat of snow was looming over the city. I could have swore this is what I heard the newscaster say:
"A winter snow warning has been put into effect for the Willamette Valley. Expect snow beginning Wednesday night through Thursday afternoon. Do you hear me Jenny Schultz? What I am telling you is that against your better judgment you need to get into the car NOW with both kids and brave the grocery store with everyone else who is panicking! What if you can't get out of your subdivision tomorrow and you run out of pre-sliced apples and have to convince Emery that bananas are just as good (a losing battle)?? Are you ready for that level of armageddon?"
Heck no I'm not! Into the car we went. You already know how I feel about grocery shopping with my kids so I'll spare you that story. Just know it involved Emery sitting on two loaves of bread and me trying to exchange them for unsmashed loaves while the manager was simultaneously restocking the shelf right next to me! That took some serious acting skills and about two minutes of forgetting my morals....
------------
Regardless, now it's Thursday and the inch of snow is finally here. You know what that means for me! An hour of helping Emery get dressed for the snow followed by 10 minutes of him actually playing in it. But hey, at least he has clothes on so that (I will accept) is a victory for today...
Snow Day!
* I'm completely aware that working moms have it hard in an entirely different way! Trust me, I was one for a long time! But instead of taking it as a personal attack maybe you can just relish in the fact that you have a few glorious minutes every day where you can go the bathroom in peace...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Bat-Cave ® Beats Construction Paper...
Okay, last redesign for awhile. The most recent one was driving me nuts....not really my style. I didn't want to bore you with the honest reason why I changed the look in the first place, but I'm low on material today so I'll give you the rundown: it was because of the birds.
Unless you've been hiding under a rock you know the new show "Portlandia" is all the rage. Well I was laughing right along with everyone else until they dedicated an entire 4 minute clip to people who think putting a bird on something is the very last precursor to opening your own successful Etsy shop. After seeing that, I got a little paranoid about my simple little bird banner so I spent all of 20 minutes changing it. But you know what? I liked the birds. Truth be told, the reason I had the little green and pink birds on my original blog was because it matched Luelle's nursery. I had just completed that room when I started my blog (she was 10 months old....timely, I know) and was feeling a sense of barely deserved accomplishment. My in-laws had given her this insanely cute Pottery Barn bedding set (adorned with little birds happily sitting on branches) after they saw me drooling all over it one day at the store. Of course, it wasn't the birds that drove me to that exact bedding set. It was the fact that this particular bedding had stripes of neon green calmed down with colors like "celery" and "rose petal." You see, when we moved into this house, the room that is now the nursery was painted a neon green that dang near eradicated the need for an artificial lighting source! And after painting every last wall in my old house I was in no hurry to head to the Home Depot only to forget if I like eggshell or flat paint all while trying to pocket some extra stir sticks. So instead, I lazily planned an entire nursery around neon green walls and over a year later it finally looks like it was on purpose! It only took me 16 months of planning to save 3 hours of painting! I'm a genius....I know!!
That was a little more long-winded than it needed to be - sorry.
So I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day! Luke and I aren't much for this holiday. He gives me flowers and all....but I don't need the whole she-bang. This year was going to be no different right up until Emery asked me, "Mom, what is Valentine's Day?" after watching 4 cartoons in a row that used the holiday as a background theme for teaching kids that biting won't win you friends on a playground. Shoot! Sometimes I forget that I am solely responsible for creating magical memories that will transcend any damage I've unknowingly done to my kid and keep him off the therapy couch for anything related to his childhood. Naturally I spent the twenty minutes after his question combing my house for last minute craft supplies. And when I say "comb" I should more clearly explain that short of a search and rescue squad I had to look in every drawer and closet in this house until I found pipe cleaners, construction paper, and glue sticks tucked way back in the garage underneath old wires that I will never use again but I am afraid to throw away just in case I find that 2 megapixel point-and-shoot circa 2001. In any case, I got out my little plastic scissors and told Emery that we were going to decorate the dining room for a special dinner with daddy. "What are you making for our special dinner?" he asked. Rub in kid.....rub it in! So you would be right if you guessed that I had Emery's attention for all of 2 paper hearts before he was back at his Bat-Cave ® leaving my broken construction paper dream behind him. At this point I had committed to the project though and spent the next hour hanging paper hearts and crepe paper by myself to make good on my promise for a special Valentine's Day party. When I was done it looked like the Dollar Store exploded pink, red, and purple. That's a home-run in my world!
I think Luke liked it when he got home and we were all waiting for him at the table. And in true three year old fashion, Emery took all the credit like somehow he, Batman, and Robin had supervised my hard work and painstakingly stood by while I placed hearts uttering things like, "A little lower on that one...."
I bet some of you got jewelry. I bet some of you got flowers. And I'm happy for you! But I got something even better! I got a little paper Valentine with a box of nerds that fit right into a tiny pre-perforated holder. "I read somewhere you liked the kind that has candy inside, that those are what the cool kids give away?" And that is why some people are just made for each other....
Put a Bird On It!
Unless you've been hiding under a rock you know the new show "Portlandia" is all the rage. Well I was laughing right along with everyone else until they dedicated an entire 4 minute clip to people who think putting a bird on something is the very last precursor to opening your own successful Etsy shop. After seeing that, I got a little paranoid about my simple little bird banner so I spent all of 20 minutes changing it. But you know what? I liked the birds. Truth be told, the reason I had the little green and pink birds on my original blog was because it matched Luelle's nursery. I had just completed that room when I started my blog (she was 10 months old....timely, I know) and was feeling a sense of barely deserved accomplishment. My in-laws had given her this insanely cute Pottery Barn bedding set (adorned with little birds happily sitting on branches) after they saw me drooling all over it one day at the store. Of course, it wasn't the birds that drove me to that exact bedding set. It was the fact that this particular bedding had stripes of neon green calmed down with colors like "celery" and "rose petal." You see, when we moved into this house, the room that is now the nursery was painted a neon green that dang near eradicated the need for an artificial lighting source! And after painting every last wall in my old house I was in no hurry to head to the Home Depot only to forget if I like eggshell or flat paint all while trying to pocket some extra stir sticks. So instead, I lazily planned an entire nursery around neon green walls and over a year later it finally looks like it was on purpose! It only took me 16 months of planning to save 3 hours of painting! I'm a genius....I know!!
That was a little more long-winded than it needed to be - sorry.
So I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day! Luke and I aren't much for this holiday. He gives me flowers and all....but I don't need the whole she-bang. This year was going to be no different right up until Emery asked me, "Mom, what is Valentine's Day?" after watching 4 cartoons in a row that used the holiday as a background theme for teaching kids that biting won't win you friends on a playground. Shoot! Sometimes I forget that I am solely responsible for creating magical memories that will transcend any damage I've unknowingly done to my kid and keep him off the therapy couch for anything related to his childhood. Naturally I spent the twenty minutes after his question combing my house for last minute craft supplies. And when I say "comb" I should more clearly explain that short of a search and rescue squad I had to look in every drawer and closet in this house until I found pipe cleaners, construction paper, and glue sticks tucked way back in the garage underneath old wires that I will never use again but I am afraid to throw away just in case I find that 2 megapixel point-and-shoot circa 2001. In any case, I got out my little plastic scissors and told Emery that we were going to decorate the dining room for a special dinner with daddy. "What are you making for our special dinner?" he asked. Rub in kid.....rub it in! So you would be right if you guessed that I had Emery's attention for all of 2 paper hearts before he was back at his Bat-Cave ® leaving my broken construction paper dream behind him. At this point I had committed to the project though and spent the next hour hanging paper hearts and crepe paper by myself to make good on my promise for a special Valentine's Day party. When I was done it looked like the Dollar Store exploded pink, red, and purple. That's a home-run in my world!
I think Luke liked it when he got home and we were all waiting for him at the table. And in true three year old fashion, Emery took all the credit like somehow he, Batman, and Robin had supervised my hard work and painstakingly stood by while I placed hearts uttering things like, "A little lower on that one...."
I bet some of you got jewelry. I bet some of you got flowers. And I'm happy for you! But I got something even better! I got a little paper Valentine with a box of nerds that fit right into a tiny pre-perforated holder. "I read somewhere you liked the kind that has candy inside, that those are what the cool kids give away?" And that is why some people are just made for each other....
Monday, February 7, 2011
Hecho en Mexico
Does anyone know of a nice gift for an adorable little girl turning 3 that has at minimum 200 pieces? Preferably each piece would be critical for the toy to function properly so that if even one is lost it will result in a level 10 temper-tantrum and make it necessary for the dad to spend all day searching for something the size of a toothpick. I'm talking about a toy that will eventually reacquaint that same dad with every crevice of his couch only after leading him to discover what's been under his fridge, oven, and dishwasher. Does anyone know of anything like that? Because that is what I am going to get my brother's little girl for her birthday!
Let me back up....
This weekend was LuLu's first birthday party. Nothing big....a small family affair. Of course a small affair when both you and and your husband come from huge families translates into 25 adults in a standing-room-only kitchen that overlooks 7 little boys fighting over 4 trains while 3 little girls cry about who has what balloon. And smack dab in the center of it all is LuLu completely unaware that this entire spectacle is being painted as a party for her when in reality it's only purpose is to erase any sense of parental guilt that would be associated with acknowledging that a one year old has NO idea what their birthday is. Trust me. I tried to disregard the need for a big party this year. But 72 hours before the minuscule "grandparents only" dinner I planned, the intense feeling of motherly failure set in. Needless to say the next three days were a whirlwind of picking out streamers (that no one would notice), sending out invitations (that no one would read), and making a cake (that no one would eat.) So to those of you who thought I was kidding about shaping a Costco cake into a "1" - I wasn't. I'm no fool. This is diet season and even though everyone will "ooh and ahh" over a cake, no one is going near that thing unless it involves a photo opportunity! But the same guilt that had me sending out an Evite with only 3 days notice also had my gut wrenching at the thought of not making Lu's very first birthday cake myself. Of course by "myself" I mean having "Amber" supervise me while Betty Crocker and I relive the good old days when Cherry Chip cake reigned supreme and it counted as "baking" if you add two eggs and some vegetable oil to a mix and stirred.
Anyway, you know you have great families when you can pack a house on a Saturday night on very short notice. You also know that your twenties are a thing of the past when everyone around you has Saturday nights open. (Hmmm....how do I want to look at that one??) There was a perfect little crowd to sing Happy Birthday while Lu stared at her mini cake because, after all, she didn't want to eat a bite either. How was that even possible? My girl is a tank and she eats everything! Everything, that is, except my Cherry Chip masterpiece. Oh well. By this point all of the little cousins were wanting Lu to open her presents. Really what they wanted was to tear every last gift apart before Lu even set eyes on the giant pile of pink paper and glittery bows. But I'm so much wiser than I used to be....I now use this fact to my advantage! The best way to get presents opened fast and save everyone a big bore is to tell all the three year olds in the room that they can "help." 3 minutes.....done. Perfect. I kinda feel awkward for even allowing people to give my daughter presents when are already blessed in so many ways! But seeing as they all have good taste and it was mostly a pile of clothes I was able to let that fact slide for a few minutes. And just as I began to hold up the cutest pair of mini skinny jeans....I saw it.
No one else probably even noticed. But I did. I saw pink plastic vaguely in the shape of a barrel. I saw a grin on my brother's face and a glisten in his eye. And then in one quick swoop.....play...food...everywhere. 100 pieces of plastic play food to be exact. Ohhhhh......he had been waiting to do this for so long!!! With little cardboard boxes of cereal flying past tiny cans of corn my brother proudly shouted, "Everyone get some food! Play with it in this room. Play with it that room. Play with it all over the house!" Okay....Okay...I may have had this coming. Last year I bought his daughter the very same barrel of food along with a shopping cart for Christmas. It was an unassuming gift. My brother, however, likes to remind me that he spends every night picking up plastic french fries and miniature milk cartons that are all inscribed, "Hecho en Mexico." I keep telling him that at least it's better than China! Regardless, my gift was a gesture of love. His gift was a gesture of war. It's on Tim.....it's ON!
When in doubt.....distract with candy!
"Don't love it mom....."
Let me back up....
This weekend was LuLu's first birthday party. Nothing big....a small family affair. Of course a small affair when both you and and your husband come from huge families translates into 25 adults in a standing-room-only kitchen that overlooks 7 little boys fighting over 4 trains while 3 little girls cry about who has what balloon. And smack dab in the center of it all is LuLu completely unaware that this entire spectacle is being painted as a party for her when in reality it's only purpose is to erase any sense of parental guilt that would be associated with acknowledging that a one year old has NO idea what their birthday is. Trust me. I tried to disregard the need for a big party this year. But 72 hours before the minuscule "grandparents only" dinner I planned, the intense feeling of motherly failure set in. Needless to say the next three days were a whirlwind of picking out streamers (that no one would notice), sending out invitations (that no one would read), and making a cake (that no one would eat.) So to those of you who thought I was kidding about shaping a Costco cake into a "1" - I wasn't. I'm no fool. This is diet season and even though everyone will "ooh and ahh" over a cake, no one is going near that thing unless it involves a photo opportunity! But the same guilt that had me sending out an Evite with only 3 days notice also had my gut wrenching at the thought of not making Lu's very first birthday cake myself. Of course by "myself" I mean having "Amber" supervise me while Betty Crocker and I relive the good old days when Cherry Chip cake reigned supreme and it counted as "baking" if you add two eggs and some vegetable oil to a mix and stirred.
Anyway, you know you have great families when you can pack a house on a Saturday night on very short notice. You also know that your twenties are a thing of the past when everyone around you has Saturday nights open. (Hmmm....how do I want to look at that one??) There was a perfect little crowd to sing Happy Birthday while Lu stared at her mini cake because, after all, she didn't want to eat a bite either. How was that even possible? My girl is a tank and she eats everything! Everything, that is, except my Cherry Chip masterpiece. Oh well. By this point all of the little cousins were wanting Lu to open her presents. Really what they wanted was to tear every last gift apart before Lu even set eyes on the giant pile of pink paper and glittery bows. But I'm so much wiser than I used to be....I now use this fact to my advantage! The best way to get presents opened fast and save everyone a big bore is to tell all the three year olds in the room that they can "help." 3 minutes.....done. Perfect. I kinda feel awkward for even allowing people to give my daughter presents when are already blessed in so many ways! But seeing as they all have good taste and it was mostly a pile of clothes I was able to let that fact slide for a few minutes. And just as I began to hold up the cutest pair of mini skinny jeans....I saw it.
No one else probably even noticed. But I did. I saw pink plastic vaguely in the shape of a barrel. I saw a grin on my brother's face and a glisten in his eye. And then in one quick swoop.....play...food...everywhere. 100 pieces of plastic play food to be exact. Ohhhhh......he had been waiting to do this for so long!!! With little cardboard boxes of cereal flying past tiny cans of corn my brother proudly shouted, "Everyone get some food! Play with it in this room. Play with it that room. Play with it all over the house!" Okay....Okay...I may have had this coming. Last year I bought his daughter the very same barrel of food along with a shopping cart for Christmas. It was an unassuming gift. My brother, however, likes to remind me that he spends every night picking up plastic french fries and miniature milk cartons that are all inscribed, "Hecho en Mexico." I keep telling him that at least it's better than China! Regardless, my gift was a gesture of love. His gift was a gesture of war. It's on Tim.....it's ON!
When in doubt.....distract with candy!
"Don't love it mom....."
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I've Got My Eye on You, Valentine!
Well I was supposed to go to Bible study this morning but at the last minute Emery decided his digestive system wasn't in the mood. I don't think anyone needs any more details than that. You're welcome! In any case it left me some time to blog, but before I could get started I thought I would jazz it up a little with a new design. I have a confession to make. I really don't enjoy designing things for myself, but every once in awhile I just get sick of looking at the same thing. You would think that because design is my profession I would be all over trying to make this blog my calling card. But like a landscaper with weeds in his own yard, when I am all done with my real work the last thing I want to do is another few hours for fun. So instead, all you will ever get from me is a few 20-minute spruce ups here or there and I am going to consider that a victory!
On to more important things.....Yey for it being February! I don't know why I love this month so much. I think it stems back to childhood when we had those special Valentine's Day parties in school before parents went all crazy PC and gluten free. Remember when you got to make a little mailbox for your desk or when your parents took you to the store to pick out the perfect box of "insert cartoon here" valentines? The cool kids always gave away those lifesaver ones or the kind you could poke a sucker through. Not me though. I just got the plain old square ones with the perforated edges and flimsy envelopes. Wait a minute, I don't think it was really as stress free as I initially remembered it being now that I'm forcing a mental trip back. I totally forgot that just a very few (maybe 3) of those little squares were more rectangle shaped and slightly bigger than the others. Holy social pressure for an 8 year old!! Do you give your crush hoping he'll grasp the subtle enormity of your romantic gesture, or play it safe and give it to a friend knowing you may never ever experience 3rd grade love? And why did the creep in the corner give me a big one?! That can't be good! Furthermore, I think someone needs to intervene with the writers of those cards and explain that, "I've got my eye on you, Valentine" is not really a great written sentiment. Aside from the fact it's not possible that there was ever 8 people I wanted to say that to in my class, it's really just stalker creepy from the get-go.
Okay, scratch that. It wasn't Valentine's day that made me love February. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was just because that meant January was over and I think you all know how I feel about January. Looking back, God must have been on my side during my last pregnancy because as much as I wanted to wish away every singleday minute second of being overdue with Luelle, it was all worth it when she was born on February 1st instead of January 29th like we had originally expected. I checked into the hospital on the 31st around 6:00 pm and remember staring at that clock willing myself to make it six more hours so she could have a February birthday. Truthfully, that's not how it happened. I mean I did check in at 6:00, but willing myself to do anything has never been successful and Lu, in reality, picked her own birthday. For example, I also willed myself not to gain more than 20 pounds during pregnancy. Without going into too many details let's just say that was about as successful as the time I thought I could do a level 3 Jillian Michaels video on my first try because I "used to be in shape" and I was sure that there was no way possible any of my endurance had left me after an extended cardio hiatus. Apparently working out 2 years ago doesn't do much for you now. Who knew?
Speaking of loosing baby weight, while I was pregnant I was positive that my postnatal diet was going to start the very second that little girl joined us in the real world. Well that was an epic failure too!! Not only did I spend more time looking at the hospital menu than my own daughter in the first 5 minutes after her birth, but I ordered a hamburger and fries like it was today's Fresh Catch and at any moment a white gloved waiter was going to walk in and say "I'm sorry ma'am, the hamburger is no longer available this evening." I don't think (unless you've experienced it first hand) that you can even begin to contemplate what that first food tastes like after having a baby. At that very moment I would have bet all my money that Bobby Flay was having a Throw-Down in the Providence Cafeteria and I was the lucky chosen recipient of his gourmet entree.
Why can I not write without going on a tangent? What I was trying to get to is that this is LuLu's birthday week and we have a little party planned for her that I am trying to throw together very quickly. Being a second child, she's not going to have the grand bash that her brother did before her. Really the guest list just includes enough faces to fill in the background of some 1st birthday pictures so I have something to send to the yearbook her Senior year. It was originally even a smaller party than that before "Amber" was dang near appalled and at least convinced me to try and make a cake. So that's what's on my schedule for tomorrow. Well truthfully....by "make a cake" I mean buy a Costco cake, shape it into a "1" and refrost it before anyone is the wiser. Eat your heart out Pamela Susan... :)
Have a great day!!
The crazy-eyed Birthday Girl!
On to more important things.....Yey for it being February! I don't know why I love this month so much. I think it stems back to childhood when we had those special Valentine's Day parties in school before parents went all crazy PC and gluten free. Remember when you got to make a little mailbox for your desk or when your parents took you to the store to pick out the perfect box of "insert cartoon here" valentines? The cool kids always gave away those lifesaver ones or the kind you could poke a sucker through. Not me though. I just got the plain old square ones with the perforated edges and flimsy envelopes. Wait a minute, I don't think it was really as stress free as I initially remembered it being now that I'm forcing a mental trip back. I totally forgot that just a very few (maybe 3) of those little squares were more rectangle shaped and slightly bigger than the others. Holy social pressure for an 8 year old!! Do you give your crush hoping he'll grasp the subtle enormity of your romantic gesture, or play it safe and give it to a friend knowing you may never ever experience 3rd grade love? And why did the creep in the corner give me a big one?! That can't be good! Furthermore, I think someone needs to intervene with the writers of those cards and explain that, "I've got my eye on you, Valentine" is not really a great written sentiment. Aside from the fact it's not possible that there was ever 8 people I wanted to say that to in my class, it's really just stalker creepy from the get-go.
Okay, scratch that. It wasn't Valentine's day that made me love February. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was just because that meant January was over and I think you all know how I feel about January. Looking back, God must have been on my side during my last pregnancy because as much as I wanted to wish away every single
Speaking of loosing baby weight, while I was pregnant I was positive that my postnatal diet was going to start the very second that little girl joined us in the real world. Well that was an epic failure too!! Not only did I spend more time looking at the hospital menu than my own daughter in the first 5 minutes after her birth, but I ordered a hamburger and fries like it was today's Fresh Catch and at any moment a white gloved waiter was going to walk in and say "I'm sorry ma'am, the hamburger is no longer available this evening." I don't think (unless you've experienced it first hand) that you can even begin to contemplate what that first food tastes like after having a baby. At that very moment I would have bet all my money that Bobby Flay was having a Throw-Down in the Providence Cafeteria and I was the lucky chosen recipient of his gourmet entree.
Why can I not write without going on a tangent? What I was trying to get to is that this is LuLu's birthday week and we have a little party planned for her that I am trying to throw together very quickly. Being a second child, she's not going to have the grand bash that her brother did before her. Really the guest list just includes enough faces to fill in the background of some 1st birthday pictures so I have something to send to the yearbook her Senior year. It was originally even a smaller party than that before "Amber" was dang near appalled and at least convinced me to try and make a cake. So that's what's on my schedule for tomorrow. Well truthfully....by "make a cake" I mean buy a Costco cake, shape it into a "1" and refrost it before anyone is the wiser. Eat your heart out Pamela Susan... :)
Have a great day!!
The crazy-eyed Birthday Girl!
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